31 Dec 2012

happy new year


Well in that case..... no resolutions for me!
unless these

to be

pleasantly naughty
adorably sexy
witty


Happy New Year!



23 Dec 2012

Aftercare



Winter has started so we need some warm soothing subject to read in front of a warm fire. 
Recently I did a discussion about aftercare. For every discussion I do my research and try to translate that research into my own vocabulary, into my own words. I do that first of all for myself so I understand and grasp wat I am writing about, but I have noticed that it also makes things clear for others. So that ability I will try to use more extensively.
This post is written with the help of those who attended the discussion in SL: Thank you all!



Sharing

I do like to listen to others as I think everyone’s knowledge and understanding is worthwhile and in this case a friend, I will call her S, gave me the link to an article. I read it and the good thing was that it provided me with questions I really wanted to answer for myself. So I did some research.

A whole lot is written about aftercare and mostly about the physical conditions of the submissive: How to treat the skin and bruises and what to do right after. Some do talk about the emotional and psychological effect of a scene and some even include the effect it has on Dominants. I think that knowledge about aftercare is very important in BDSM. The idea of aftercare should not be that it is after the scene. I should say that aftercare is part of the scene, we have to: ’Clean up after the party otherwise we are left with a whole lot of mess!’. And as in all good project management

Care in general

To be a good Dominant or submissive we have to take care of ourselves. Far before a scene we always should be aware that taking care of ourselves, of our bodies, of our mind is part of the overall care we need and it is also part of what we need to do a scene. If we do not look at our own mental state we either cannot receive or give. We need to be ready for a scene and a Dominant must recognize what he needs or his submissive. Even in just random scenes with play partners it is important that the Dominant shows his care with the preparation, knowing what he does and how calm and collected he is. Lack of sleep, bad nutrition or emotional effects of daily life can cause far more reactions. Not only for submissives but also for the Dominants involved. There is a tendency to see the Dominant as this overall collected, sane and balanced person. I do not agree, perhaps more constraint as submissives also Dominants do have mood swings and have to be aware of that before during and after the scene. Also the scene itself has affect on their emotions. A Dominant has to be very aware of his emotional state and on how thing effect or might effect in him.


When do we need aftercare

Aftercare is usually seen as the care right after a scene. There are some who claim they never need aftercare, there are some who claim they never give aftercare. Some will claim that aftercare is only necessary after an emotional trying and/or physical heavy scene. But I have heard that most submissives prefer to have aftercare. I would even state that aftercare is an important ingredient for the deep bond between a Dominant and a submissive. Aftercare is not after the scene. Aftercare is part of the scene.

Sure there can be a 'quickie', which doesn't have much impact, but even that the attention of the bond together is part of it too; but there are times that we really should be aware that aftercare is necessary.

Scenes that are demanding and intense
Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation, or intimations of nonconsensuality
Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm, or emotional release
Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting, or anything else out of order
Scenes that have “gone bad”, resulting in anger, or upset, or ending with a safe word
Scenes that are broken (and that happens in the virtual world or perhaps on the phone or cam when a connection is lost.)

The emotional need and necessity of aftercare

If we look at the list above than of course we need to understand what to do to look after the physical effects. But I want to address the emotional effects first. When fully giving up control it drains us. Not only physically but also mentally. Our body and mind need to gain strength again to build up us and be ready to face the world again. I found it wonderful. It is not only the blahdiblah… of chemicals, the whole feeling of vulnerability to give up full control and to let happen what happens makes the sub after that at times in doubt about herself, about the care of the Dominant, feeling lonely and insecure.
We need to nurture ourselves with tender love and care. We lost ourselves.

After an intensive scene a submissive might not remember the scene or only parts of it. It is good when a Dominant asks her what she remembers and fills in the gaps of what she has missed. This happens usually in RL scenes. Online though a scene can feel as intensive although some may consider it as pure Roleplay most of us do feel the emotional and physical effects of it all.  When a submissive does as ordered in her RL, like applying something as simple as clothespins on her nipples, she will feel a lot of the effects afterwards. Another thing that has for example a lot of effect is when a submissive for the first time reveals parts of her body or applies something on her body for the first time on cam. Do not take this lightly it takes a lot of courage and devotion to do that. And I am sorry to emphasize this: Submissives please be certain of who your Dominant is, before you send any pictures of yourself, or let yourself be seen on cam! It is like meeting in Real Life, there are predators out there.


subdrop

Subdrop is when all the endorphins and adrenaline are settled down again. It happens when there has been play with pain, emotions and humiliation or just after an intense scene. Usually you have been nicely floating in subspace. The full attention of the Dominant, the full giving, serving of the submissive can make the submissive feel lost and alone once she is alone. It doesn’t matter if you had aftercare right after. Those moments are lovely warm and caring. It kicks in hours after the scene when you are alone. You suddenly feel depressed, cold empty and down. The whole world collapses around you and you doubt all and mostly yourself. It is when you feel abandoned by all and mostly by the Dominant. It is one of the best reasons why aftercare is not only right after the scene. Sometimes a Dominant doesn't recognize this and will discard it or at least not connect it to the aftermath of intensive play.
If you recognize this just seek contact with the Dominant and tell him how you feel. He should pick up on it. There are some measures you can take to help yourself and deal for some part with aftercare on your own.

Aftercare

Giving, receiving aftercare is an individual thing. Know that someone new to lifestyle doesn’t have a clue, so always offer at least the basic of a cuddle an a talk, be knowledgeable on what you can do. Hug her, hold her be gentle and speaking soothingly to the submissive. Make she sure she can sleep some that she has the time to recover from all. Be prepared with a basic aftercare kit. Or make sure when it is online that she has enough to help herself in the house, either by your guidance or perhaps when you suddenly have to leave. We can and should take all measures online to prevent us for cutting a scene short, but alas it does happen at times. You could already make a routine in which she feels comfortable: Like that she should sleep, eat chocolate and drink water. Help the submissive by asking her what she needs most and what she finds helpful to keep herself balanced after a scene.
When the Dominant is not there she can write her feelings down and sometimes a little note with some instructions now what an how to write does help. A small-prewritten note in which the Dominant shows his care and devotion can be an important part to help her feeling his love and devotion.

After trying scenes we at time do not remember what happened fully or what we have said. Of course in the virtual world we can read back, usually a scene in RL is not taped. But reading back is not enough. Talking about the various aspects of the scene and how it affected us is a wonderful way to reflect and learn for both. It tells a Dominant what he is able to do the next time and how he can proceed. Perhaps he has to take a little step back, or he can continue a path he desires knowing it will be ok. Especially when a new kind of training is installed it needs to be checked and carefully evaluated. It is also necessary for the submissive to understand the significance for the Dominant. The submissive shouldn't feel to demanding. For example when a Dominant hasn’t started with giving His submissive pain and he starts doing that for the first time, he might feel the guilt as most of our upbringing has been steered against giving pain to another. He needs to feels it is ok and pleasurable as well to enter into this new world.

Aftercare Kit

·       Clean her up address her wounds and bruises, even online –with no actual wounds- it is part of the cooling down and necessary.

·       Have a blanket ready to wrap yourself into, as most will get very cold. This is a sign for the Dominant to cuddle or hug but! Not all submissives enjoy that, some will just want o be left alone for a while.  Be aware that also after a scene online, submissive can feel cold as well, so if needed let her dress and become warm.

·       Talk reassuringly and gently show her your care for her and tell her she did well, even when a scene is broken or whatever that has happened. She needs to feel you are fully there for her. When she wants some quiet time be sure you stay close and monitor her.

·       Make sure you have the time to nap afterwards, or sleep soundly during the night.

·       Make sure you drink water and eat some, as said chocolate is a good help, but it might be candy or fruits for the glucose.

Submissives

It is good if you have an aftercare Kit of your own with all the ingredients you need before a scene. And do realize when you start to feel down and depressed it might be subdrop, so think of a few things to help yourself, like a note of your Dominant. Be clear to the Dominant what you need and if you have no clue think together what helps and you will find out what works best for you.

Dominants
Aftercare is necessary do not neglect it and be aware she needs you after the scene as well. It is a bonding moment and help in the developing of trust. Help her with her aftercare kit and to look together with her for ways to make her feel comfortable again when she feels subdrop. Realize it is as important for you as for her.




22 Dec 2012

the end




Almost the end of 2012, it is not the end of the world they said. 
They are right, it is not the end of the world!


1 Dec 2012

Dominants



There are many dominants.
There are many ways to dominate.
But there is one thing I like in dominants.
When they notice how much a submissive gives
How selfishly selfless they can be
When I am selflessly selfish

23 Nov 2012

5O shades of grey


I found this lovely and far more eloborate review. It also shows me it is not worthwhile at all to read on.  How the books continue makes it all even worse. But what concerns me most is how BDSM portrayed! I really dislike that thought. The books are one shade of grey.... so sad.


22 Nov 2012

cliffhanger



Right! So after reading a few other by now boring erotic scenes and a apallingly stupid part about flying in a glider with no spark, the everlasting sexy Mr. Grey is 50 shades, Ms. Steele is still as ignorant and of poor language as she was of the start and after even more unlikely scenes it ends up with a cliffhanger to sell her next book.

It's a bestseller.....
Clever.

Do I want to read it?
Nope!

Is Ms Steele 50 shades of fucked up as well?
Yes.

So what would be the perfect BDSM novel?
Any suggestions?
Perhaps I should read 'The story of O' again....... written in the 1950's....

19 Nov 2012

contract

Did I just read a sparkle of light int he 50 shades of foggy grey?

A contract! A contract for someone who has no clue to what it means and... with the ever so handy brand new notebook. She is even given some time to read on her notebook about BDSM. Right, she must know all by now to understand, grasp fully and comprehend this contract. I bet many couples are by now downloading a bdsm contract before they engage into a session of nipple torture of which she will as if by 'magic wand' can cum ever so easily.

I am rather enjoying this book.








crossing






Everyday schoolday I cycle to school with my children crossing a busy road. Today the traffic lights weren't working and the cars passed fast by in a steady stream. I just wanted to safely cross the road. The morning rush hour in front of me and finally after some time there was enough room so we could continue our journey.
When I went back I saw a police officer on the crossing. His motor with lights on behind him and he stood there vulnerable but strong on this busy road, guiding the traffic with his body and arm signals. I waited until I was allowed to pass. The tears streaming down my cheeks.


18 Nov 2012

stars





They say submission is like flying
researching all darkest sides.
But I say submission is staring
starstruck into dark night sky.

17 Nov 2012

Ms. Steele

After fuck pigtails?


There she is Ms. Steele, who has never masturbated, never had sex and lives with her sexually active friend. They have never talked about masturbating, about their bodies, about anything as it seems. Miss sexually active Katie is concerned but has never given her full details before. Ms. Steele has no clue about her body and was only kissed twice. Perhaps I am far to Dutch to really understand this level of naivety in a girl of her age in these modern internet times. But even that is somehow explained, the poor girl doesn't have her own pc.

He gives her hints.... hints? But doesn't even mention BDSM to her or any other real clues, until he shows the red room?
Suddenly her life revolves around a extremely handsome and rich Mr. Grey who takes her virginity, although Mr. Grey has never had vanilla sex himself. He gives her one weekend of vanilla sex with his apparantly huge throbbing hot rod after confronting her casually with his 'red room'. To enhance more of the magic of the weekend she secures him after giving him a full professional blow job, deep throat and all. But ofcourse that is what a girl does all innocent and naive.

After our initial laughter we have now reached boredom with the dull sentences, the bad descriptions. I have promised him to extract the bits that are steamy. But I didn't even read the vanilla sex part to him.  As I said in my comments before it is a mixture of the movies "pretty woman', as unlikely as well where the rich handsome man safes the prostitute, and 9,5 weeks where he seduces her into hot steamy sex without revealing anything of himself.

The taste of the book is like eating a MacDonalds hamburger with a supersize drink. I think both Ms. Steele with all her immaturity and Mr. Grey with his smouldering 'grey' eyes are simply not very interesting characters. I keep telling myself it is a fairytale: Belle and the Beast.

I will read on and perhaps I will find something of interest to me.

15 Nov 2012

today





The autumn mist surrounds;
grey with dark silhouettes.
Things appear.
disappear.
The water is like a mirror.
The grass covered in crystal.
Frost, crisp,
the world is so beautiful.
But I feel estranged
of familiar things.
The sun is out there,
somewhere.
He is winning.

14 Nov 2012

Mr. Grey

We started reading about Mr Grey and the little miss Steele. And to me it is like a Harlequin version... with BDSM. But we haven't really reached that part yet. The juicy bits, other than her looking at the tall handsome version of a modern Mr. Darcy and feeling hot. But as I said, it is not a Jane Austen who wrote it.
We are reading on for the steamy parts, so far we laughed a lot.

6 Nov 2012

letting go

So what am I doing? I am letting go. One time a psychologist told me this story and it is one of the most valuable metaphors in my life. 


In the kitchen we place things in a way we think is convenient. We have an order of things. It is good we can find things easy and after a while we can 'blindly' find the times we needed. But their might be a time that we need to, for some reason, place an itme at another cupboard. As soon as we have done that we need to reprogram our brain and because we are so used to the old place.


So it might be a mug, I placed it near the coffee, but it wasn't really right there so I replaced. Everytime I reach out for that it is no longer there. Every time I will think: Oh yes I replaced it! This will happen several weeks until, I have learned and replaced it in my brain as well.
I am gradually replacing items in my brain at the moment. It is not just the one item. It feels as if I moved house and have to keep asking myself where I put everything and like moving it is stressfull and makes me tired. I am used to certain rhytms, to certain orders, to be dominated in a certain way. That domination was very succesfull. 

So how does that feel, to be suddenly without a Dominant?

When I talk to him, see him or think of him the feelings return. Sometimes out of the blue it returns when I have a memory. It will only gradually go. It is lost luggage. I moved on and lost a suitcase with some of my best clothes in it; that wonderful dress, those ideal shoes, that one lovely picture of a special person etc. It cannot be replaced. But I do know that, even when I long to wear that dress again, it is out of reach. It is gone.
I drove home in the car today, for the first time I suddenly felt happy. I went over my suitcase of lost luggage and I smiled, feeling the happiness of all that is in there. I have been able to wear that dress and those shoes that fitted so perfectly. I am blessed to have known that, to have felt that and to have enjoyed it. I looked around and the sun shines, all is there, all that love that has been given to me, what pure beauty!

The mug?

The mug is within reach, it has always been.







3 Nov 2012

Life







I feel like being in a dinghy surrounded by an Ocean. It is not like you abandoned ship and just embark  on another one and live happily ever after. It is hard to deal with all at the moment. I feel deep sadness, anger, resentment, grief and so much more all jumbled up into a hard nausiating ball in me. I wake up with it, do my chores with it and try to sleep without it, which is hard.


I should be happy now shouldn't I?

A longterm relationship is dealing with life: dirty socks, food on the table, work to do, kids around the house, and in between there might be some time left. I have hardly any time to grieve. I have to put all my energy into this new path. But I have no energy. It's life staring me in the face and I am clueless.
So I better get my act together. Little steps they say. Two steps forward, one step back and never give up!

lost



I am 
not used
not ordered
not directed
not controlled
not dominated
I am lost

31 Oct 2012

umbrella's



In the gutter they lay
little spidery corpses
their wings broken
shiny black
smeared by the dirt
in the puddle
sad creatures
once they gave shelter
and suddenly out
of the blue
the storm played
its fiercely game
have pity on them
they are torn 
beyond repair


30 Oct 2012

Domspace




So there we go, I wrote about subspace and now I will explain Domspace.  I did a discussion on the subject and I want to share the result and my thoughts upon it here.
I want to thank all who have participated in the discussion as they have given me more insight and made things clearer to express.









I cannot say that I have a lot of experience in Domspace and the little experience I have is here in Second Life. Most of the experience I have is feeling it as a submissive. But what I do know: Domspace is a lovely feeling, it is a completely unique and addictive experience.

Anyway, for every Dominant, there is a first time. The very first time You have to Dominate. You might have talked to the submissive. Got to know her a bit and than there she is, it might be out of the blue or because the both of You decided to.  You want a scene and You suddenly have to take the lead. You have her in Your hands and You decided and she accepts.


So how does that feel? 

Early on, as one is discovering the world of d/s, it is daunting. To have that control and responsibility. Like other things we learn about ourselves, the more we do it, the more we realize that it feels natural. it feels "right".
So what is this feeling 'right"? Can you explain it?
Nope! Except to say that it doesn't feel forced. Beyond that, I can't explain it.
 I think that what He means by saying it feels "right" is that it feels very normal, you dont need to fake or force your self to do it, it becomes part of what you are and to the other person as well, a sense of being the real you without pretending to be something else.

I found a lovely description of a first encounter between a Dom and a sub: ......"If I describe my actions precisely, it may all sound very clinical, mechanical even. I don’t think it was. When I put my arms around her it felt like a very natural thing to do. When I then put my hand on the back of her neck, stroked her there and applied pressure, that felt natural too. But at the same time I was very alert to her body language. She went quiet. I wouldn’t say she was putty in my hands, because she was responsive, not passive. But I felt a great surge of reassurance, that I could lead her on. It felt right. It was going to work. "...

A submissive described it beautifully on how she feels it.
....'I can't describe how it feels :) but I can describe how I see it, in my Master. It seems to me there is this moment, where he realizes he has total control over me in the scene, that he has the power to do anything, it really feels like a surge of power, and there is this balance, between knowing he can do anything, but having the self-control to only go so far.'...

In his blog is as I mentioned also a post about subspace. How we submissives gradually give control/power away to a Dominant. Within it our state of mind, the way we feel ourselves changes and also we do make certain chemicals when we sink in subspace.
For a Dom the same kinds of things occur.  We can call it the yin and yang of D/s. While the Dom gradually takes over control and power the sub give it away. There is this transition point. It is usually not like a 24 hour thing that occurs and especially here in online we have to change positions. But that happens also in a 24/7 relationship where people go to stores, social gatherings, church, but also at home levels of subspace can vary as the protocol changes from low to high. Among a steady D/s relationship that protocol changes too, between normality, Vanilla, day to day things to a change into full D/s.


Levels of Domspace

There are two ways to describe the levels of Domspace. Some just see a diffrence to primary and secondary Domspace, others have made the same levels kind of levels as in subspace.

1. Bottomspace
That is ordinary behaviour of the man (woman). Just how he is and how he behaves generally in life.

2. Wannabe Domspace
Which makes me grin when I write it. This is the behaviour a Dom displays when he draws his attention to a sub. He kind of shifts, sometimes in a playful way of topping. A kind of truth or dare situation. He gives little dominating impulses, like orders or just a kind of more phisical behaviour like towering over a sub. If a sub gives in he will go to the next phase. However if the sub doesn't He will simply go back to the first fase.

3. Tease space.
This might be of very short duration and it is a test if the Dominant can truly start to control the powershift. He might give her space to be slighty disobedient or purposely gives her a little Dominant 'nudge'. If He experiences that He can Dominate her He will go to the next phase. If not He goes back. `I guess all these phases are before the feeling of the it is 'right' phase.
There is another thing about this phase that I find as a submissive quite amusing. Occaissionally a Dominant gets sulky. He stays in phase 3, but feels actually ashamed and feels he fails as a Dominant. Not something most Dominants like to feel. However be aware of it, it is not Your best behaviour and will not gain You much respect. I have to say, it has not happened to me to much.
How ever a Dom in the discussion commented quite rightly: ...' I can identify with that. Sometimes doms can experience a slump in confidence, and I think it's just part of being human. The sub's response to that can make him or break him. It's a popular game around here sometimes for subs to bemoan the "weak" dominants they have encountered. Many lack confidence because subs expect them to be perfect. I'm so encouraged when I see our girls actually build up a Master here, instead of taking the more common path of pointing out flaws.'...

Pretending to know everything is a sign of weakness. It goes both ways ofcourse, but to be open about your confusion is more of a strength than to try to keep up appearances. It is a way forward to learn from others and to see how things could be approached differently. These might be the first steps towards an open communication. It is usually not fair on a submissive to expect surrender when you do not give respect. It is rather easier if a Dominant admits to not know and work with a submissive or others than be embarrassed and not even try at all or withdraw.

 4. Dominant space
This is the phase where the Dominant comes out in true glory. He is Master, feels Master and takes and has control. Most subs will recognise this. He looks forceful, proud and collected. Their eyes and behaviour are in full Dominant modus. Some undeseverdly think it is arrogance. It isn't it is where the Somiant surfaces fully. The confidence a Dominant has is truthfull and sound. When being in Dominant space they are ultra sensitive, empathetic and intelligent.

I guess this is where the 'right' feeling fully takes over. I bet it is for both Dominant and submissive. When a Dom 'shows' this... it is quite easy to give in and go for the powerexchange.


5. Bastard space (usually only in RL)
This phase is dangerous. A Dominant in this phase can loose control and a kind of animal instinct takes over. When the predator in Him arises it becomes bad. (His scent changes, his pupils widen, and he gets an animal like smile, some say even his penis enlarge).
However a Dominant should most definately have the control and keep to the laws of BDSM: 
willingness, trust, safety, responsibility, sense and sensability. A safeword is important!

So how does it feel, I am not sure if I have encountered it but it sure felt that way and was not to the worst as I can compare it to a case a lovely girl told us in the discussion. But I remember vividly when I was with a Master how he for me suddenly changed. He had this scary smile on his face. His face looked wild and it felt he had lost control overall. Suddenly he used the mass of his body and wanted to force me to deep throat and it to be honest I was at that time horrified and scared and even though I first wanted to give in, I burst into tears. Fortunately he stopped and took the time to reassure me. The loss of control to which he admitted was very scary. But this was like really minor compared to the following example, where it went completely wrong.

..."Once I witnessed it once happened in RL in a community where me and my former Master used to gather weekly. He was a Master with quite experience and very known, and she was a very experience sub as well. They started a scene where all happened as it was expected, some whips, then tie her to a post and he started to use her, and along the way, we noticed he started to get more violent, more rough, and she enjoyed at first, but then she started to get more and more nervous. It reached to a point where she was crying, and he was not stopping, and even slapping her a few times, we were all there nervous and almost jumping from our seats... she whispered her safe word and he did not stopped, we only allowed to continue a few more seconds then 2 Masters came to hold him and try to calm him down, and took him away to another room... the girls went to her, untie her and helped her calm down as well...
One of the two masters was my former Master, he then told me he had just recently split from his wife and he was holding alot of anger, to the point he lost him self and could not control what he was doing, he was like you said, possessed, it scared us all, and it also made us all more awake of this limits, we started all with a strong rule that if any hard situation kept us a bit not in our best mood, to restrict us from coming to the gatherings"... 

So is it a bad Master, a cruel being are both these Masters in this example bad and should have had more control. I firmly belief they are not. But as a Dominant we should be aware that mood, strains, instabilaty will make us do things we will regret.  We have to be aware of that in our daily lives that when we stressed it effects our thinking, how we handle ourselves. 
Stressed out people can drive really badly and aggressively. They can be rude, hard to handle, have fall out to strangers for hardly any reason. They can shut down and neglect the feelings they have to go through. Anger, bitterness are the harvest of pain we do not solve within ourselves. The danger is that a Dominant dealing with a submissive can loose control. An angry Dominant is a bad Dominant. 

You can only Dominate truly if you are at peace with yourself. I learned a lesson in the world of tantrasex. You can only scene when you are calm as a Dominant. Negativity has no place within a scene. There is something sacred and beautiful in the calm of Dom whe he is sure of himslef. it is needed to build up a sene with all te delicacy within. The scene is a dance, far more than just a physical connection, just pain, just sex, it goes far beyond that. It is how powerexchange asks for total trust. And trust comes form knowing there is control.

So to move now to greener pastures.....

6.  God Space

This is when a Dominant feels he has total control over the whole essence of His submissive.
Her body mind and soul are His to do whatever He wants with it. Hecould harm her if he wishes to. She is no longer capable of using a safeword. It is meaningless as the powerexchange is complete. In God space he is however fully aware of his responsibility. The trust and respect that is given to him, he handles it with the utmost care.
You could say the yin and yang is fully and totally in balance and the powerexchange complete.
Realising this, we have to be aware that aftercare is heatlhy for both Dominant and submissive.


The connection between Domspace and subspace

So how does it work, does Domspace go equally go with subspace. I have heard that some Dominants never feel Domspace do not experience it, like some submissives never do not feel subspace. For some it will take time to get into the 'flow' of a scene and I guess that perhaps when you have different partners the level might not be the same. I guess once there is D/s relationship it might be different.

Nevertheless when I do feel that attentive reaction of a Dominant, that total focus than I can submit and feel how I sink into subspace. So it goes together as well subspace and Domspace. So subspace doesn't require Domspace, but it as I said when it happens it is lovely and as far as a scene deepens it can happen. But the one doesn't require the other for a good scene.

I have described in my post on subspace that You can also get that lovely feeling of subspace when some things occur which draws you in the 'feeling' of Domspace. With a Dominant it can be the same. The feeling of being proud of Your sub, seeiing how she behaves during diner. I will give more info about it in Primary and secondary Domspace.


Primary and Secondary Domspace

I have used a post by Mistress Norische, I used it here as she gives a wonderful insight. Both on how she feels it and how the chemical builds up during Domspace.


In her experience there are two different levels of Dom Space. The first level I refer to as Primary. The second level of Dom Space I refer to as Secondary.

Primary Domspace
Primary Domspace is an almost euphoric feeling; I would best describe it as an ego overload. This occurs when your slave/sub does something that makes you especially proud. It may occur at social functions, when perfection of behavior is observed by the Dominant or when someone compliments the Dominant on the behavior of the slave/sub. It may occur at home, when a meal is particularly fabulous and the house is incredibly perfect. It may occur during a scene, when a slave/sub takes more than he/she ever has, or tries something new, or reacts so well to the touch of the Dominants hand.

These are just examples mind you, Primary Domspace can be experienced through a wide variety of activities and for each individual it is different.

The physical effects of Primary Domspace

* A warm flushed feeling, almost as if you are blushing but there is no outward signs of redness. An odd sensation in your chest as if your chest is three times as big and thrust out for everyone to see.

* A sharp squareness to your shoulders, that reflects the ability to take on the world at that very moment. You will find the wondrous adornment of a smile; however small, that radiates from the very depths of one's soul and can be seen by all, even the blind.

It is at the very moment of Primary Domspace that a Dominant truly understands why they are who they are, and how much the slave/sub means to them. There are many types of medication and illicit drugs that can create the euphoric feelings as described above, but to this day no medical doctor of back room chemist has managed to find a formula that will extend this wondrous feeling to the length that Primary Dom space is capable of doing.
One warning should be given at this time…Primary Dom space is very addictive in nature. Please read the warning label supplied with your slave/sub prior to attempting this action. Do not attempt to activate Primary Dom space while operating heavy machinery; do not drive a motor vehicle while maintaining Primary Dom space.

Secondary Domspace
Secondary Domspace is a physical reaction to external stimulants as well; however, it is more chemically associated than Primary Domspace. Secondary Domspace is normally active when the Dominant and slave/sub are scening together, specifically during physical exertion, this does include to some degree sexual activity. As with subspace, Dom space varies with each individual, therefore there are a wide variety of physical and emotional symptoms to this unique phenomenon.

The physical effects of Secondary Domspace

When doing a scene that is particularly physical the human body becomes a virtual chemical factory, the brain regularly produces more than 50 identified active chemicals, at a rate of more than 100,000 chemical reactions every second; during a highly physical or stimulating experience the brain produces a higher level of some chemicals.

During a period of highly physical activity the body will first secrete higher levels of adrenaline, a hormone that is naturally present within the body at moderated levels. This hormone is produced by the adrenal glands located directly above the kidneys. Once the hormone is release through out the body in elevated levels several things will occur; primarily adrenaline constricts the minor blood vessels within the body and expands the larger blood vessels. This action will increase the blood flow to the skeletal muscles and the liver; it will also make an individual hypersensitive… specifically the senses will be much more sensitive, and aware of change even to the most minute degree.

After the body is a functionally super charge machine and hypersensitive the next chemical released is Seratonin.
Seratonin is a neurotransmitter involved in the transmission of nerve impulses within the brain. When the brain produces Seratonin tension is eased and an almost calming effect becomes present. Seratonin is also a powerful vasco-constrictor, specifically it has a strong effect on temporarily narrowing the veins; it is this action that creates the light headedness, or dizziness a Dominant may feel during a scene.

Now that the body is a hypersensitive, super charge machine on Prozac, we move on to the next chemical reaction…the release of endorphins. Endorphins are hormones the body naturally produces to relieve pain, they have a similar chemical structure to morphine.
Endorphins are also the chemical that is released by the body at the point of orgasm; hence it may cause some interesting physical reactions such as flushed skin, dilated pupils, the lips of the mouth may darken, the nipple may become erect, the clitoris or penis may become engorged with blood and become enlarged or erect.
Endorphins also help control the emotions during a highly emotionally stressful or physically strenuous time, hence an almost floating feeling or the after glow effect.

When the body is a hypersensitive, super charged machine, on Prozac and Viagra; we can move on to the next chemical reaction. At this point the body will naturally begin to produce higher levels of Dopamine, a chemical messenger whose effects are similar to that of amphetamines and cocaine. Hence an elevated heart rate, raised blood pressure, and a dramatic increase in energy level. Dopamine affects the brains process that controls movement, emotional response and the ability to experience pleasure or pain. Simply put at this point you are pretty sure that you should probably be sitting down instead of trying to walk, but you have too much energy to just sit there.

Now we have the body hypersensitive, a super charged machine crossed with the energizer bunny that is ten foot tall and bullet proof on Prozac and Viagra. Now comes the final piece to the puzzle. With the increased levels of Dopamine in the system there also comes a marked increase in Ozytocin, the cuddling hormone; the secretion of this hormone creates a bond between the Dominant and submissive, it creates a euphoria almost dreamlike state.

During an orgasm an individual will produce up to 500% higher level of Ozytocin, The level of Ozytocin is based on the emotional attachment between the individuals involved.

So there we have it, the explanation and medical facts about Secondary Dom space.

1. The Dominant may experience a drastic increase in energy.

2. The Dominant may become hypersensitive, allowing the Dominant to make that perfect connection with the slave/sub. Able to see every flinch, to feel each muscle as it contracts, to hear each moan or sigh.

3. The Dominant may notice a slight lightheadedness or dizziness.

4. The Dominant may feel flushed, or hot.

5. The Dominant may feel some degree of sexual excitement.

6. The Dominant's heart rate and blood pressure may be elevated and the energy level has taken another drastic increase. The increase heart rate and/or blood pressure may cause a sense of disorientation almost disassociation from reality.

7. The Dominant may grow closer and deeper intone with the slave/submissive, holding him/her for a time and sharing the euphoric feeling radiating from the both of them.

So!
Domspace is a lovely feeling, it is a completely unique and addictive experience.

For more about subspace, click here.


27 Oct 2012

B





It takes a man
A big man
A loving man
An open man
A warm man
A wise man
A wonderful Dominant
To be
Heartbroken
And 
Supportive


26 Oct 2012

decision time



So there it is, I have made the decision and asked Meester for release. I have chosen for my husband. All surrounding this, all the feelings, everything is double. I am grieving of having to ask Meester for release but also happy what might may be ahead in the future.

I have always been open towards my husband about my desires. Even when there was a lingering interest on his side for a long time it was a bridge to far. Within all my frustration I always accepted that he needed time. Just the moment that I thought he wouldn't want to follow in my path, he decided on his own he wants to take his journey with me. And in my heart it is what I have always wanted.

So it is strange. I feel like I have to detox and on the other hand I have to see how I surrender to a novice Dom. I have to surrender to the one I share my life with. I see a change, a decision from deep within him. But within all the turmoil it creates in me, I also feel calm and positive.

So now the journey has taken his path into my life, I know now that being a submissive, being within this lifestyle is coming home. Actually internet gave me all the tools to open up, to explore and know for sure this was what I was missing in life. But this mostly secret life was hard as I really wanted to be fully open. I needed time I think to come to terms with myself. I had to accept this is what I want and need. But the responsibilities at home, the struggle we were going through and in which we still struggle are in my opinion worth all of it. 

Is this an happy end? I have no clue, but I will give it all I have in me.

23 Oct 2012

fragile





we carefully dance 
around each other
polite and warm
in every way
how fragile we are
so fragile we are


22 Oct 2012

present



today, I have taken the last step
in all I feel vulnerable 
my head to the future 
my heart in the past 
I know I have to move on 
so I have taken the last step
cutting the umbilical cord
to move my heart
towards the present

20 Oct 2012

order




with all the decisions
I got to make
I am drowning so
I wished I could 
cry out loud
But all there is
is deeply hidden
this dark and gloomy
room
with to many books
filled with stories
adventures
I need to
open the windows
lock the doors
but for now
I am wandering
like a stray dog
as my finger travels
the covers
and have to
put them in order

12 Oct 2012

.........




If I could ease Your pain
By walking an endless road
Wrapping You in my wings
By staying for the night
But I just can't ease it

But it is all worthwhile
In every minute with You
In any order of You
In any word You say
But I can't stay

And what I want to tell You
cannot be captured in words
cannot be captured in art
cannot be captured at all
as I cannot be captured

You caught me when I fell
and now I let You fall
You warmhearted man
You have touched me
More than anyone before

I was Yours before I ever knew