Recently I read the following post on the blogpost of *_sub_girl*. She has a wonderful mind and a good sense and I like to read her blogs. As from now on I will have a page called self help on my blog. Unfortunately we need it, but always turn to friends or a person with experience that does not have the intention to Dominate you when you have fallen in the hands of a bad dom, or as we would say in Holland: 'een dommerd'.
a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities
ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence
My experience in the world of bdsm has lead me to believe that the vast majority of men that identify as dominant, are frauds. Most of the time they are sad, lonely, socially unskilled creatures that hide behind a mask of false dominance and prey upon unsuspecting women interested in exploring their kinky side. Often they are uneducated, underemployed, unattractive, and uninteresting. If there is one thing they all claim to have in common it is a claim to a high degree of intelligence. I call bullshit.
Having encountered many of these men in my own journey, I have decided to compile a list of red flags (with some help from my friends) that may prove helpful to those new to the scene.
He should offer personal information before you ask for it. A refusal to do so is a HUGE red flag. And telling you he's "a private person" is bullshit.
Trust your gut. Bound and naked in a hotel room is the wrong time to discover the difference between a true Dominant and a predator.
His toy bag contains all "homemade" toys and/or everything seems to be brand new.
He doesn't have any references or claims to have them but has trouble getting them to you.
He calls you "slut" (or another equally misogynistic names) straight off the bat, before establishing a rapport with you. Real Dominants earn respect.
Test his ego: See if he has ever or would ever submit. Whether he has or would is irrelevant. It's his reaction you're looking for.
He insists on highly sexual play from the get-go, before establishing a relationship or boundaries.
He expects you to participate in dangerous play you might not be comfortable with, such as breath play, cutting, etc.
He claims that you don't need a safe word.
He doesn't take personal responsibility or admit wrongdoing. Everything is always someone else's (and soon to be her) fault.
He is young (under 35) and claims to have ten years experience.
He doesn't allow his submissive to have any limits; or he doesn't respect them after they are established.
He claims to be in an "open relationship" but refuses to provide any verifiable information about his primary partner.
He has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community.
He expects for you to pay for and/or provide toys, meals, gas, hotel expenses, etc.
He starts of with saying he feels you are a natural submissive.
He wants to "own" or "collar" you after a brief period of time.
His stories and/or timelines don't add up or are inconsistent.
He easily loses control of his emotions. Doms need to be in full control of themselves before they can control someone else.
Watch out for Doms who criticize the way you play, or way you think, or anything about you, really. Doms should support and offer constructive feedback.
He hides behind his D/s authority and thinks it shouldn't be questioned. The best Dominants are mentors/teachers.
You're relationship with him is beginning to cause problems in your "normal" life (with family, friends, significant other, career, etc).
He keeps on complaining about his primary partner/wife.
If you tell him you're not interested he tells you that you're denying yourself what you really need and that you're not being true to who you are.
Don't rush. Don't hurry. And run screaming from anyone who tries to push you into anything you aren't ready for!!
My sincere thanks to everyone who offered their feedback for this post.