30 Jul 2012

Polyamore: one, two, three and more

Thoughts on polyamore

Recently I am seeking the how and what of polyamore. I need to find out for myself as I am changing. How can I explain this? The best way is by the full understanding that the concept of my life is changing lately.

My motto: ‘The more I love and cherish, the more I love and cherish.’

It is opening up a lot of good things within me. But it has been a rocky road. Sometimes I grin and I think I am experiencing a revival of the sixties. But no this is far more structured and with far more understanding of the feelings involved. I didn't have the answer on the how because we all differ in the way we perceive things. 
What have I learned so far, because I do not want to come across being knowledgeable? I am not... yet.


The idea of poly started out when I became the sub of a Master who already had another girl. I accepted her but it wasn't a three of us and soon I started to feel that he didn't want a three of us but simply a two of us. Before I could really realise it became a two of us. I kept in contact. I liked her and wouldn’t have minded her with us, although it wasn’t easy.
But it is not just Him and me it is the whole package, the chemistry and how that evolves and changes. He got involved with a new girl and she started to 'help' me. We lost contact. But did we ever have real contact?
Or was just the chemistry over? Was there ever any real chemistry between us? Looking back I doubt it. Was I submissive to him? All I can say I gave it all, but had in fact not a clue yet how submission felt. I never made the leap. I was so inexperienced I had no idea. He trained me vigorously but we both have a very different mindset in life. And it started to clash more and more. I really don't mind sharing when all is open and clear. I am beginning to understand that part of me more and more. But it is hard to share, when things are not right at all. There was so much going on in my life and I think I felt so alone at the time. It is not good at all to feel alone in a D/s dynamic.

I became a complaining, hard to handle sub. He became a complaining hard to submit to Master. She became the confidant of my Master and I no longer trusted Him.

It happens we get lost, we loose. Losing is a painful experience. I know the one he is with now is far more fitting than me. I know looking back that what I thought was submitting wasn’t submitting at all. I submitted but without trust. But I do know I gave it all the effort within me. He did as well. But I also know that I felt at the time that this new girl had his full interest. That it wasn’t about me but about her. That he already had shifted towards her. I think deep down he knew, I knew and the girl knew. But sometimes it is inevitable. It is the dynamic of how things go. Nobody is mean or hard or intentionally hurtful. It just happens.  

I have been on the other side too. Feeling hopeless and guilty trying to make things work and I couldn’t. When the dynamic isn’t right it will not work. You cannot force anyone to stay; you cannot force anyone to keep you and cannot force anyone to leave. But I also became the trusted confidant the rock for Him to be with. I was the new pleasure and frankly I enjoyed even within the guilt I felt. It is that structure that can only collapse because it can and will not work unless the dynamic turns positive.

When the complaining, negativity, the nagging is starting things go wrong. It is where jealousy takes over or when the Master gets disinterested and only busy and enjoying his new toy. It is than that the dynamic goes wrong. There is a time that all see fault and that is the start of the pyramid falling apart.

Here the love added with love is failing, ever so sadly failing. The love in this triangle is not floating but flooding, because even within jealousy and hate there is a lot of love. `
But jealousy and hate unfortunately looses it self in a destructive negativity. Is it even possible to turn this into another more positive direction?

Does that mean it always goes wrong. I don’t think so. Within D/s and poly there is usual the Dominant who sets the pace who accepts or not. There should be truth and healing is also taking each other serious. Seeking possibilities and most of all giving time to heal.

Within D/s the Dom sets the relationship. He will listen but it is him who decides. When I started out with Meester I knew beforehand that he wanted more than me. He said I allow you to be part of us, but you will have to accept the presence of my girl. I did, but she had a hard time with me. She had a hard time with poly. And to be honest my role in all was probably not the best either. I so desperately wanted her to be happy with me there, to be there for her. I was overzealous and tried to keep us with us against all odds. I was thinking of me. In the dynamic of thing that happened she would ask me to leave. But the dynamic between Meester and me had already changed and deepened before we started out. The sad thing was that it existed before I even was aware of it.


Meester and I had a strong bond. I had already known Him for a long time. The start was uneven. The sad thing is we didn’t talk, really talk, there was no trust amongst the girls. I could no longer leave Him. But I had said to her that I would leave Him for her. But He said I couldn’t, that He wouldn’t allow me to go against my feelings.
And in her sadness and confusion: she was collared by another Master to protect herself. We all go our dynamics and changes in life, as I did. So I only asked Meester when He truly collared me to wait to seek another girl until He felt the time was right.

So with all, you cannot plan all as life changes, it always changes. What I thought today might be different tomorrow. What I thought I can handle today might be different tomorrow. But I have to tell Him and trust Him to make the best decision for me. I cannot other do than trust Him and communicate all.
 And now there is ‘p’, lovely cute p. And we talk and talk, we cuddle and cuddle and yummy so much more and this is what poly should be.

..’The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of partners involved’….

But somehow poly extends for me. Meester accepts me to be close to others, to talk, to tell to be intimate. He decides who they might be after I have suggested them. I accept His choice and decision.
I am changing, learning and most of all loving. So I feel polyamore and it enhances me, I have lovers, friends, p and Meester. And I learn so much on the journey I have taken, I love my Meester, I love p and all close to me. Complex? Yes! But beautiful.

…’ A form of relationship involving more than two people. The relationships may be symmetrical (like a triangle), or something more complex. The relationships may also be open or closed, straight or gay, or a mixture’…


So with me it went wrong twice. Did it go wrong? Perhaps not sometimes there is a lot of right in wrong?

If I look back within all the pain that has been and where I am now. I learned a valuable lesson. I came out of the mess much stronger, I had to rebuild my self-esteem. I learned far more what I wanted in D/s. As I said I am changing over time more and more. The structure that I needed wasn’t there yet. Both structures didn’t fit.

The most valuable lesson is that communication is essential. To communicate needs a lot of self-reflection. Usually in the negative spiral we start pointing fingers, over and over again. If in a triangle all three are doing that it gets worse.

What happens?

The Dom is no longer ‘managing’ the situation, feeling sorry for the old sub and longing for the new one.
The old sub starts blaming the new sub for all. Doesn’t see that she is only complaining and want things to go her way.
The old sub becomes demanding, trying to set the rules for the game. Actually she is panicking. Her world is upside down.
The new sub becomes impatience thinking life will be so much better without the other girl. She knows and feels already she is ‘winning’.
The Dom gets fed up with the muttering of the old sub, feels happy with His new one.
All are starting to blame, blame and blame seeking fault in all and everyone.

Sounds like everyday life Vanilla, doesn’t it?

Seek possibilities!

Look at what your behaviour is first before you are negative towards another.
Don’t go in to the offensive part or the defensive part.
Accept people do strange and negative things just ask them to stop. Make clear you love them but that it is not acceptable.
Don’t use any negative thing against the other.
Don’t become a literary critic on every conversation, seek the positive in it and throw the negative away.
What do you want and how far will you go to get it? And does that mean to stay or to go?
Accept things change but try to find out what you what want for yourself, without demanding anything.
The hardest part and that is if the old sub wants to stay in the dynamic is seeking positive ways, sit the honeymoon out and wait on what Your D wants afterwards, just stay loyal.
Be open about what makes you jealous and accept your jealous feelings. Talk about it. But don’t make your jealousy the guide of your demands.
And do know it is hard work for all. Nobody is perfect.

If it works out belief in:
There are many roads to Rome and there are many ways to establish a healthy poly relationship.

When all fails…

Explain why you want to stop. Be kind do it in a conversation and walk away.
Do not e-mail or sms, but give the other the time to react.
And sometimes we have to accept that the magic is gone and simply needs to move on.
Pick up the shattered pieces of your broken heart.
Seek friends and tell them your feelings seek that shoulder to cry on.
It will take a long time but you will heal.
We all heal.
And usually we find someone more suitable.
But do take time healing before you enter in a new relationship.
Sometimes someone is not suitable for poly and finds out he or she want monogamy.
Others seek a different kind of poly.

But never say never again!

and more

Was it worth the jealousy, the tears and crawling through that fire of pain?

...'The more I love and cherish, the more I love and cherish'...

28 Jul 2012


There are times when I have lost beauty.
But beauty is always there,
even when I cannot see it.
Some I can simply feel
as they are with me
and stay with me
Sometimes I just forgot for a while
that I carry it within me.

There is so much beauty
in swimming late at night
under a starry sky.
Floating and enjoying
the warm water contrasting
with the cool night air.

The water caressing my skin.
The shimmer of the moon
and how my fingers 
ripple the water.
A pattern of delight.
My hair dancing like seaweed
when I move

There is so much beauty 
in walking, just walking
smelling the fresh
scent of dawn
Just the sound of
the pavement
underneath my feet

There is so much beauty 
in the care of a Master
he puts into his submissive
how he touches
the words of reassurance
which binds a knot
while playing

There is so much beauty 
In sucking an erect penis
How my lips follow
Sucking it in deep
Simply to show the beauty of it
To my Meester, the wondrous
Beauty of sucking His dick

There is beauty in pain and the aftermath.
Of a stinging cunt in the car
on my way home.
There is beauty in the tears I feel
When I miss my Master.
And in grieving for those
Who will never return.

Chewing gum as a pattern 
on the pavement.
And how children dance
while they walk.
And the slow movement of the elderly
Dogs wagging their tails.
A cat on the roof of a car 
drinking the sun with its whiskers.
a broken down house.

There is beauty in first times
and last times, in saying hello
and goodbye. There is beauty
In looking someone in the eyes.
Touching lips, holding hands and
feeling the warmth before you walk away.
Perfection and imperfection.

Or a face swollen of crying,
Eyes when angry or
a bright smile.
The scent of fresh sweat
after hard labour.
The little spots of paint on
any nose after painting the wall.

There is beauty in a slice of
Fresh toast, butter and cheese.
how I put my teeth in.
The first salty taste, the crunch,
the cheese almost melting on my tongue.
When I chew and carefully mix
all the flavours in my mouth

There is beauty in sadness,
feeling low.
There is even more beauty
when it starts raining.
Adding to the feeling;
Like a thunderstorm when angry
or a bright sunny day when cheerful.
Or music that matches your mood.

There is so much beauty in you,
I hope you read this
sitting quietly in front of your screen.
And I hope you feel
that soothing calm
after the heavy rain, when
the sun breaks through the clouds.
Silver lining, soft rays of light on trees
and leaves where little sparkly 
diamonds fall off in the grass.
And how we breathe.
Because that is what we do.
Breathing in and out.
Like the beating of our heart.
A clock ticking.
Passing time.
The beauty of passing time.
The word itself.


sometimes my house
feels so badly
taken care off
such a mess
that I feel
down, deep down
even with all the 
love and care 
surrounding me
I should have
the energy
but I am
it passes
comes back
this is my house
my home
an empty
I just need help
to redecorate

20 Jul 2012


P asked me how I do it, how can I do all and have such a busy life. I have no clue really only one: I do see a rhythm in my life. Within my nature I do please and try to please all. 

A submissives pleases, it so deeply in her nature. Sometimes it is expected that we all please the same. We please differently as Dominants vary. But when a Master accepts his sub the way she is, it is easier to please. I know I have a safe haven, one who understands, doesn't ask questions but listens, calms me, reassures me, holds on to me. I see it as failing He sees it as my nature and simply sets up a structure that lasts for a while until I have my energy back.

I am a creative person, I do not thrive under a strict regime full of rules. I thrive when given freedom and I am so easy to be pulled back. Life with me is like walking with a playful dog. You can throw, I will fetch the best way I can and I will do that for all until I am dead tired. It is than that I get lost in high grass trying to return all the balls everyone was throwing. My wagging tail gets tired and I have no clue any longer which ball to fetch first. I am going to the dogs. 

My owner is standing in the distance looking. He doesn't whistle, He doesn't call, He simply knows I return, I always return to my owner. He will take me home. And there He takes me in His arms, sets a few simple rules and calms me down, until I am ready to play again. He knows I am His and will always come back to Him. The way I am is what He likes; He adores my playfull nature. I adore His steadfast nature.

So there you have it, the truth is told, I am just one happy dog.

19 Jul 2012

drawing a picture

While I was sitting in His lap,
He drew a picture of me.
Tracing all with His mouth and finger,
which now and than lingered.
'Long straight legs' said He.
'Your butt round and curvy
and wonderful to slap!'
My light blue eyes the next step.
'Ever so special, He said.
'A mouth not to be kissed of yet
and ever so tasty not to forget.
My belly, perhaps not like a twenty year old,
so lovely to touch.’  Was what He told
I felt growing in happiness,
feverish within his love.
But His description of my cunt
was such a warm front.
It really made me laugh.

14 Jul 2012

the yellow brick road

I found Toto today
simple as that
as Toto has all
all in one
tin man
the lion
and dorothy

I have
a heart
a soul
and a brain
I failed to see
others did

Toto did
He barked 
at all
and showed
I have a Master
and more
to help
to guide 

I walk
the yellow brick 
road, paved
with golden 
and knowledge

who needs
the wizard of Oz
when wearing
red shoes
to dance
into the future

13 Jul 2012

The One Lovely Blog Award

The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance

Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.

Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.

Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.

Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

When I opened my blog this morning I was so honoured and happy that I was nominated with the 'One Lovely Blog Award' by little precious one that I was smiling all day. I like the initiative and I really like her blog because of her genuine writings about her journey into Wonderland. I do follow her posts as much as I can. 
I see a lot of people putting a lot of effort, time and love in sharing their feelings and findings into the lifestyle.

So here I go with my unknown things and my nominees and please enjoy!

Seven possibly unknown things about myself

1. Even though I use pictures of others, I love to draw and make photo's myself. Perhaps one day I dare to share some here.

2. I like cooking food, I like food.... fresh food and I really love vegetables, fruits, fish and meat that comes from animals who have see the sunlight and had the space to be. I like the care that goes into cooking. And most of all I like to cook for groups of friends, not so much for the food but for the conversation that comes with it. If everyone is talking and enjoying than I am truly happy.

3. I love wandering, through mountains, forest, along the sea, through meadows, cities.

4. Nothing is more enchanting to me than when I smile and someone smiles back to me; every smile is a beauty. Nothing can make me more cheerfull in a day than a smile.

5. I like traveling on my own and talking and meeting people. I have had such lovely conversations. The places I saw and the images that have left everlasting memories.

6. I really adore the quiet time on the toilet when I sit and read the newspaper or a book.until the toiletseat is inprinted in my skin.

7. I love the scent of fresh cut grass. 

Nominate 15 or so bloggers

Wonderful... simply a joy to read, it teaches me, makes me ponder.

I always think.. oh my so young.. and reading her blog is like a novel...that expands more and more.

She puts a lot of research and thought in her posts!

One of the best I know

I love the drawings, they are very erotic to me. They remind me of drawings fo Toulouse-Lautrec.

For her amusing stories and great reviews on lovely tools

If it was for his naughty pictures made with STP, or just the fun and love He has for His Melinda. The both are fun!!

The best in publishing pictures I know, I recently 'stole' one.
I love just roaming through her blog.

I admire her, open and dreadfully honest.

The sense of humor and the so obvious love between the two of you is a jou to read!!

Dead honest and I enjoy reading her thoughts

Not the only reason but nevertheless lovely, the purple rope her Master binds her with.

Simply because we need one

Loving, insightful and like a diary.

A mutual blog and a good read to see how they deepen their relationship.

11 Jul 2012


I craved for You
Missed You
Longed for You
And than suddenly
You were close to me
Speaking to me
Ordering me
And we were Us
We are Us
We blended
Within Us

10 Jul 2012


The traces of Your love 
Shimmer under my 
skin, as light sparkles
just, when I simply
think of You.

There are 
little memories 
that moves them
and  big memories
that ignites them.

You are 
the warmth
of the sun
and the cool
of the moon.

8 Jul 2012

le dejeuner sur l'herbe

A lot is said and written about this piece of art and ever as a student I was intrigued by this piece. Looking back at it I understand why. For me it is not the outrage of seeing two fully dressed men having a picnic in the forest with two naked women. I thought the whole thing not provoking but fairly arousing.

So what do I see, feel with this painting?

For me it could be a scene with two Masters enjoying a play day out with their submissive. One Master is holding a cane while his submissive is bathing in the small stream behind them. It leaves me with questions. Was she just used or is she refreshing her self to be fully ready for her Master. She looks a little anxious, while the other seems so secure and fully relaxed.  She sits there and looks around.
Both girls have not really served yet.  But they will be soon! No doubt about that.

I bet the ribbon of the straw hat will be used to blindfold the girl in the stream.  And in the little boat there is enough rope to tie her to a tree. It will be like an initiation for her I guess. To be used more openly. I bet her mind is racing and her body shivering to the cold water. Her Master had said just a picnic with friends….

Who knows what will happen next….?