30 Jul 2012

Polyamore: one, two, three and more

Thoughts on polyamore

Recently I am seeking the how and what of polyamore. I need to find out for myself as I am changing. How can I explain this? The best way is by the full understanding that the concept of my life is changing lately.

My motto: ‘The more I love and cherish, the more I love and cherish.’

It is opening up a lot of good things within me. But it has been a rocky road. Sometimes I grin and I think I am experiencing a revival of the sixties. But no this is far more structured and with far more understanding of the feelings involved. I didn't have the answer on the how because we all differ in the way we perceive things. 
What have I learned so far, because I do not want to come across being knowledgeable? I am not... yet.


The idea of poly started out when I became the sub of a Master who already had another girl. I accepted her but it wasn't a three of us and soon I started to feel that he didn't want a three of us but simply a two of us. Before I could really realise it became a two of us. I kept in contact. I liked her and wouldn’t have minded her with us, although it wasn’t easy.
But it is not just Him and me it is the whole package, the chemistry and how that evolves and changes. He got involved with a new girl and she started to 'help' me. We lost contact. But did we ever have real contact?
Or was just the chemistry over? Was there ever any real chemistry between us? Looking back I doubt it. Was I submissive to him? All I can say I gave it all, but had in fact not a clue yet how submission felt. I never made the leap. I was so inexperienced I had no idea. He trained me vigorously but we both have a very different mindset in life. And it started to clash more and more. I really don't mind sharing when all is open and clear. I am beginning to understand that part of me more and more. But it is hard to share, when things are not right at all. There was so much going on in my life and I think I felt so alone at the time. It is not good at all to feel alone in a D/s dynamic.

I became a complaining, hard to handle sub. He became a complaining hard to submit to Master. She became the confidant of my Master and I no longer trusted Him.

It happens we get lost, we loose. Losing is a painful experience. I know the one he is with now is far more fitting than me. I know looking back that what I thought was submitting wasn’t submitting at all. I submitted but without trust. But I do know I gave it all the effort within me. He did as well. But I also know that I felt at the time that this new girl had his full interest. That it wasn’t about me but about her. That he already had shifted towards her. I think deep down he knew, I knew and the girl knew. But sometimes it is inevitable. It is the dynamic of how things go. Nobody is mean or hard or intentionally hurtful. It just happens.  

I have been on the other side too. Feeling hopeless and guilty trying to make things work and I couldn’t. When the dynamic isn’t right it will not work. You cannot force anyone to stay; you cannot force anyone to keep you and cannot force anyone to leave. But I also became the trusted confidant the rock for Him to be with. I was the new pleasure and frankly I enjoyed even within the guilt I felt. It is that structure that can only collapse because it can and will not work unless the dynamic turns positive.

When the complaining, negativity, the nagging is starting things go wrong. It is where jealousy takes over or when the Master gets disinterested and only busy and enjoying his new toy. It is than that the dynamic goes wrong. There is a time that all see fault and that is the start of the pyramid falling apart.

Here the love added with love is failing, ever so sadly failing. The love in this triangle is not floating but flooding, because even within jealousy and hate there is a lot of love. `
But jealousy and hate unfortunately looses it self in a destructive negativity. Is it even possible to turn this into another more positive direction?

Does that mean it always goes wrong. I don’t think so. Within D/s and poly there is usual the Dominant who sets the pace who accepts or not. There should be truth and healing is also taking each other serious. Seeking possibilities and most of all giving time to heal.

Within D/s the Dom sets the relationship. He will listen but it is him who decides. When I started out with Meester I knew beforehand that he wanted more than me. He said I allow you to be part of us, but you will have to accept the presence of my girl. I did, but she had a hard time with me. She had a hard time with poly. And to be honest my role in all was probably not the best either. I so desperately wanted her to be happy with me there, to be there for her. I was overzealous and tried to keep us with us against all odds. I was thinking of me. In the dynamic of thing that happened she would ask me to leave. But the dynamic between Meester and me had already changed and deepened before we started out. The sad thing was that it existed before I even was aware of it.


Meester and I had a strong bond. I had already known Him for a long time. The start was uneven. The sad thing is we didn’t talk, really talk, there was no trust amongst the girls. I could no longer leave Him. But I had said to her that I would leave Him for her. But He said I couldn’t, that He wouldn’t allow me to go against my feelings.
And in her sadness and confusion: she was collared by another Master to protect herself. We all go our dynamics and changes in life, as I did. So I only asked Meester when He truly collared me to wait to seek another girl until He felt the time was right.

So with all, you cannot plan all as life changes, it always changes. What I thought today might be different tomorrow. What I thought I can handle today might be different tomorrow. But I have to tell Him and trust Him to make the best decision for me. I cannot other do than trust Him and communicate all.
 And now there is ‘p’, lovely cute p. And we talk and talk, we cuddle and cuddle and yummy so much more and this is what poly should be.

..’The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of partners involved’….

But somehow poly extends for me. Meester accepts me to be close to others, to talk, to tell to be intimate. He decides who they might be after I have suggested them. I accept His choice and decision.
I am changing, learning and most of all loving. So I feel polyamore and it enhances me, I have lovers, friends, p and Meester. And I learn so much on the journey I have taken, I love my Meester, I love p and all close to me. Complex? Yes! But beautiful.

…’ A form of relationship involving more than two people. The relationships may be symmetrical (like a triangle), or something more complex. The relationships may also be open or closed, straight or gay, or a mixture’…


So with me it went wrong twice. Did it go wrong? Perhaps not sometimes there is a lot of right in wrong?

If I look back within all the pain that has been and where I am now. I learned a valuable lesson. I came out of the mess much stronger, I had to rebuild my self-esteem. I learned far more what I wanted in D/s. As I said I am changing over time more and more. The structure that I needed wasn’t there yet. Both structures didn’t fit.

The most valuable lesson is that communication is essential. To communicate needs a lot of self-reflection. Usually in the negative spiral we start pointing fingers, over and over again. If in a triangle all three are doing that it gets worse.

What happens?

The Dom is no longer ‘managing’ the situation, feeling sorry for the old sub and longing for the new one.
The old sub starts blaming the new sub for all. Doesn’t see that she is only complaining and want things to go her way.
The old sub becomes demanding, trying to set the rules for the game. Actually she is panicking. Her world is upside down.
The new sub becomes impatience thinking life will be so much better without the other girl. She knows and feels already she is ‘winning’.
The Dom gets fed up with the muttering of the old sub, feels happy with His new one.
All are starting to blame, blame and blame seeking fault in all and everyone.

Sounds like everyday life Vanilla, doesn’t it?

Seek possibilities!

Look at what your behaviour is first before you are negative towards another.
Don’t go in to the offensive part or the defensive part.
Accept people do strange and negative things just ask them to stop. Make clear you love them but that it is not acceptable.
Don’t use any negative thing against the other.
Don’t become a literary critic on every conversation, seek the positive in it and throw the negative away.
What do you want and how far will you go to get it? And does that mean to stay or to go?
Accept things change but try to find out what you what want for yourself, without demanding anything.
The hardest part and that is if the old sub wants to stay in the dynamic is seeking positive ways, sit the honeymoon out and wait on what Your D wants afterwards, just stay loyal.
Be open about what makes you jealous and accept your jealous feelings. Talk about it. But don’t make your jealousy the guide of your demands.
And do know it is hard work for all. Nobody is perfect.

If it works out belief in:
There are many roads to Rome and there are many ways to establish a healthy poly relationship.

When all fails…

Explain why you want to stop. Be kind do it in a conversation and walk away.
Do not e-mail or sms, but give the other the time to react.
And sometimes we have to accept that the magic is gone and simply needs to move on.
Pick up the shattered pieces of your broken heart.
Seek friends and tell them your feelings seek that shoulder to cry on.
It will take a long time but you will heal.
We all heal.
And usually we find someone more suitable.
But do take time healing before you enter in a new relationship.
Sometimes someone is not suitable for poly and finds out he or she want monogamy.
Others seek a different kind of poly.

But never say never again!

and more

Was it worth the jealousy, the tears and crawling through that fire of pain?

...'The more I love and cherish, the more I love and cherish'...


Anna said...

Wow, Ara. What a thought-provoking post. I will have to read this a few times to really digest it. You raise so many points here. Very thoughtfully presented.

ara said...

Thank you Anna