9 Aug 2012
polyamore and jealousy
Anna wrote some lovely posts about jealousy: anna's blog Read them all they are interesting!
Jealousy can creep in like an infected wound. If you do not adress your jealousy, look at it you will start to nurture it, in the end it will become worse and worse. Jealousy can be about so many things. But usually it is when you feel the other might be better off than you are. Sometimes there is an underlaying gut feeling in jealousy.
We can be jealous when we think others look better, do better or simply are better. But should we?
We can be jealous of simply the posessions of wordly goods and thinking someone else is far more fortunate. Do we need to be?
We can be jealous of the intimacy between people.
There are so many things we can be jealous of.
But should we really be jealous? Or should we let others enjoy it without feeling left out. There is a world of difference in being honest about feeling left out or letting others in? Ofcourse at times we all feel envious or jealous but sometimes we just not deduct why we feel that way.
Mostly with jealousy we expect in the modern 'ordinary' society that people stay monogamous. But how do we deal with Jealousy within poly?
When I met p I saw this beautiful lovely creature I really wanted to get to know. And when Master told me she had asked to be with us I was honoured and happy. But I wasn't only honoured and happy. At times I could get insecure, it felt as if He was with her constantly and I had swallow my pride there, knowing it was necessary for their bond. I had to find out where it came from and I simply told Him. The strangest thing was that I could accept it afterwards, because I didn't expect Him to change or to shift His attention towards me. The best thing was that He kept on saying how much He loved me and I simply knew that was true.
The other thing is that I can accept p for what she is. I learned that is an open, sweet and loving girl. And my envy and jealousy disappeared. I feel the full security with Master and with her.
I feel a good balance in all and it makes that I can deal with whatever happens.
Is it all this simple?
No if we read the above well, it has taken the part of p to fully acknowledge the love there is between me and Master. She was anxious that she would come in between us. But she isn't. Meester is clear. p is clear, I am clear.
Are we never jealous or envious? I am. I am jealous often. But what I have noticed is that I get passed it. I have given myself the skils to overcome when I become envious or jealous. But working on it teaches me a lot. But what I have learned in this short period that I think I can overcome anything if I set my mind to it?
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is about the anxiety of loosing someone, jealousy can be due to low selfesteem. Thinking the other is better than you. Mostly that happens within a relationship: Being afraid to loose or feeling the other, new one might be better than you. What happens is that you feel mostly fear, and fear can even express in anger.
Being or showing to be angry is closing of and becoming defensive you put your guard up. High walls to protect yourself. Protect of what? In most cases it doesn't protect you. You think you protect yourself but you are not.
That anger part is the worst one to deal with. When you start to draw conclusions without knowing what is going on. When you start to fill in what might happen and mostly negativily. When you feel really low it is hard to look at yourself truthfull. I have learned from p that being open helps. If you can do that without anger and show your vulnerable side you have won the most. Being vulnerable is being strong. Being vulnerable is not asking for pity but is asking for solutions.
All these above feelings are in my opinion natural. We all feel jealousy and/or envy at times. So to me it is not the jealousy that is a problem. The problem is the choices you have before you and accepting them. And it can take time to accept.
So poly is not about being WITHOUT JEALOUSY. Poly is being about how to get past jealousy.
How to get past jealousy?
Actually this is the best site I found so far! 9 ways to overcome jealousy
Jealousy is destructive but can be very constructive if you deal with it.