31 Oct 2012

umbrella's



In the gutter they lay
little spidery corpses
their wings broken
shiny black
smeared by the dirt
in the puddle
sad creatures
once they gave shelter
and suddenly out
of the blue
the storm played
its fiercely game
have pity on them
they are torn 
beyond repair


30 Oct 2012

Domspace




So there we go, I wrote about subspace and now I will explain Domspace.  I did a discussion on the subject and I want to share the result and my thoughts upon it here.
I want to thank all who have participated in the discussion as they have given me more insight and made things clearer to express.









I cannot say that I have a lot of experience in Domspace and the little experience I have is here in Second Life. Most of the experience I have is feeling it as a submissive. But what I do know: Domspace is a lovely feeling, it is a completely unique and addictive experience.

Anyway, for every Dominant, there is a first time. The very first time You have to Dominate. You might have talked to the submissive. Got to know her a bit and than there she is, it might be out of the blue or because the both of You decided to.  You want a scene and You suddenly have to take the lead. You have her in Your hands and You decided and she accepts.


So how does that feel? 

Early on, as one is discovering the world of d/s, it is daunting. To have that control and responsibility. Like other things we learn about ourselves, the more we do it, the more we realize that it feels natural. it feels "right".
So what is this feeling 'right"? Can you explain it?
Nope! Except to say that it doesn't feel forced. Beyond that, I can't explain it.
 I think that what He means by saying it feels "right" is that it feels very normal, you dont need to fake or force your self to do it, it becomes part of what you are and to the other person as well, a sense of being the real you without pretending to be something else.

I found a lovely description of a first encounter between a Dom and a sub: ......"If I describe my actions precisely, it may all sound very clinical, mechanical even. I don’t think it was. When I put my arms around her it felt like a very natural thing to do. When I then put my hand on the back of her neck, stroked her there and applied pressure, that felt natural too. But at the same time I was very alert to her body language. She went quiet. I wouldn’t say she was putty in my hands, because she was responsive, not passive. But I felt a great surge of reassurance, that I could lead her on. It felt right. It was going to work. "...

A submissive described it beautifully on how she feels it.
....'I can't describe how it feels :) but I can describe how I see it, in my Master. It seems to me there is this moment, where he realizes he has total control over me in the scene, that he has the power to do anything, it really feels like a surge of power, and there is this balance, between knowing he can do anything, but having the self-control to only go so far.'...

In his blog is as I mentioned also a post about subspace. How we submissives gradually give control/power away to a Dominant. Within it our state of mind, the way we feel ourselves changes and also we do make certain chemicals when we sink in subspace.
For a Dom the same kinds of things occur.  We can call it the yin and yang of D/s. While the Dom gradually takes over control and power the sub give it away. There is this transition point. It is usually not like a 24 hour thing that occurs and especially here in online we have to change positions. But that happens also in a 24/7 relationship where people go to stores, social gatherings, church, but also at home levels of subspace can vary as the protocol changes from low to high. Among a steady D/s relationship that protocol changes too, between normality, Vanilla, day to day things to a change into full D/s.


Levels of Domspace

There are two ways to describe the levels of Domspace. Some just see a diffrence to primary and secondary Domspace, others have made the same levels kind of levels as in subspace.

1. Bottomspace
That is ordinary behaviour of the man (woman). Just how he is and how he behaves generally in life.

2. Wannabe Domspace
Which makes me grin when I write it. This is the behaviour a Dom displays when he draws his attention to a sub. He kind of shifts, sometimes in a playful way of topping. A kind of truth or dare situation. He gives little dominating impulses, like orders or just a kind of more phisical behaviour like towering over a sub. If a sub gives in he will go to the next phase. However if the sub doesn't He will simply go back to the first fase.

3. Tease space.
This might be of very short duration and it is a test if the Dominant can truly start to control the powershift. He might give her space to be slighty disobedient or purposely gives her a little Dominant 'nudge'. If He experiences that He can Dominate her He will go to the next phase. If not He goes back. `I guess all these phases are before the feeling of the it is 'right' phase.
There is another thing about this phase that I find as a submissive quite amusing. Occaissionally a Dominant gets sulky. He stays in phase 3, but feels actually ashamed and feels he fails as a Dominant. Not something most Dominants like to feel. However be aware of it, it is not Your best behaviour and will not gain You much respect. I have to say, it has not happened to me to much.
How ever a Dom in the discussion commented quite rightly: ...' I can identify with that. Sometimes doms can experience a slump in confidence, and I think it's just part of being human. The sub's response to that can make him or break him. It's a popular game around here sometimes for subs to bemoan the "weak" dominants they have encountered. Many lack confidence because subs expect them to be perfect. I'm so encouraged when I see our girls actually build up a Master here, instead of taking the more common path of pointing out flaws.'...

Pretending to know everything is a sign of weakness. It goes both ways ofcourse, but to be open about your confusion is more of a strength than to try to keep up appearances. It is a way forward to learn from others and to see how things could be approached differently. These might be the first steps towards an open communication. It is usually not fair on a submissive to expect surrender when you do not give respect. It is rather easier if a Dominant admits to not know and work with a submissive or others than be embarrassed and not even try at all or withdraw.

 4. Dominant space
This is the phase where the Dominant comes out in true glory. He is Master, feels Master and takes and has control. Most subs will recognise this. He looks forceful, proud and collected. Their eyes and behaviour are in full Dominant modus. Some undeseverdly think it is arrogance. It isn't it is where the Somiant surfaces fully. The confidence a Dominant has is truthfull and sound. When being in Dominant space they are ultra sensitive, empathetic and intelligent.

I guess this is where the 'right' feeling fully takes over. I bet it is for both Dominant and submissive. When a Dom 'shows' this... it is quite easy to give in and go for the powerexchange.


5. Bastard space (usually only in RL)
This phase is dangerous. A Dominant in this phase can loose control and a kind of animal instinct takes over. When the predator in Him arises it becomes bad. (His scent changes, his pupils widen, and he gets an animal like smile, some say even his penis enlarge).
However a Dominant should most definately have the control and keep to the laws of BDSM: 
willingness, trust, safety, responsibility, sense and sensability. A safeword is important!

So how does it feel, I am not sure if I have encountered it but it sure felt that way and was not to the worst as I can compare it to a case a lovely girl told us in the discussion. But I remember vividly when I was with a Master how he for me suddenly changed. He had this scary smile on his face. His face looked wild and it felt he had lost control overall. Suddenly he used the mass of his body and wanted to force me to deep throat and it to be honest I was at that time horrified and scared and even though I first wanted to give in, I burst into tears. Fortunately he stopped and took the time to reassure me. The loss of control to which he admitted was very scary. But this was like really minor compared to the following example, where it went completely wrong.

..."Once I witnessed it once happened in RL in a community where me and my former Master used to gather weekly. He was a Master with quite experience and very known, and she was a very experience sub as well. They started a scene where all happened as it was expected, some whips, then tie her to a post and he started to use her, and along the way, we noticed he started to get more violent, more rough, and she enjoyed at first, but then she started to get more and more nervous. It reached to a point where she was crying, and he was not stopping, and even slapping her a few times, we were all there nervous and almost jumping from our seats... she whispered her safe word and he did not stopped, we only allowed to continue a few more seconds then 2 Masters came to hold him and try to calm him down, and took him away to another room... the girls went to her, untie her and helped her calm down as well...
One of the two masters was my former Master, he then told me he had just recently split from his wife and he was holding alot of anger, to the point he lost him self and could not control what he was doing, he was like you said, possessed, it scared us all, and it also made us all more awake of this limits, we started all with a strong rule that if any hard situation kept us a bit not in our best mood, to restrict us from coming to the gatherings"... 

So is it a bad Master, a cruel being are both these Masters in this example bad and should have had more control. I firmly belief they are not. But as a Dominant we should be aware that mood, strains, instabilaty will make us do things we will regret.  We have to be aware of that in our daily lives that when we stressed it effects our thinking, how we handle ourselves. 
Stressed out people can drive really badly and aggressively. They can be rude, hard to handle, have fall out to strangers for hardly any reason. They can shut down and neglect the feelings they have to go through. Anger, bitterness are the harvest of pain we do not solve within ourselves. The danger is that a Dominant dealing with a submissive can loose control. An angry Dominant is a bad Dominant. 

You can only Dominate truly if you are at peace with yourself. I learned a lesson in the world of tantrasex. You can only scene when you are calm as a Dominant. Negativity has no place within a scene. There is something sacred and beautiful in the calm of Dom whe he is sure of himslef. it is needed to build up a sene with all te delicacy within. The scene is a dance, far more than just a physical connection, just pain, just sex, it goes far beyond that. It is how powerexchange asks for total trust. And trust comes form knowing there is control.

So to move now to greener pastures.....

6.  God Space

This is when a Dominant feels he has total control over the whole essence of His submissive.
Her body mind and soul are His to do whatever He wants with it. Hecould harm her if he wishes to. She is no longer capable of using a safeword. It is meaningless as the powerexchange is complete. In God space he is however fully aware of his responsibility. The trust and respect that is given to him, he handles it with the utmost care.
You could say the yin and yang is fully and totally in balance and the powerexchange complete.
Realising this, we have to be aware that aftercare is heatlhy for both Dominant and submissive.


The connection between Domspace and subspace

So how does it work, does Domspace go equally go with subspace. I have heard that some Dominants never feel Domspace do not experience it, like some submissives never do not feel subspace. For some it will take time to get into the 'flow' of a scene and I guess that perhaps when you have different partners the level might not be the same. I guess once there is D/s relationship it might be different.

Nevertheless when I do feel that attentive reaction of a Dominant, that total focus than I can submit and feel how I sink into subspace. So it goes together as well subspace and Domspace. So subspace doesn't require Domspace, but it as I said when it happens it is lovely and as far as a scene deepens it can happen. But the one doesn't require the other for a good scene.

I have described in my post on subspace that You can also get that lovely feeling of subspace when some things occur which draws you in the 'feeling' of Domspace. With a Dominant it can be the same. The feeling of being proud of Your sub, seeiing how she behaves during diner. I will give more info about it in Primary and secondary Domspace.


Primary and Secondary Domspace

I have used a post by Mistress Norische, I used it here as she gives a wonderful insight. Both on how she feels it and how the chemical builds up during Domspace.


In her experience there are two different levels of Dom Space. The first level I refer to as Primary. The second level of Dom Space I refer to as Secondary.

Primary Domspace
Primary Domspace is an almost euphoric feeling; I would best describe it as an ego overload. This occurs when your slave/sub does something that makes you especially proud. It may occur at social functions, when perfection of behavior is observed by the Dominant or when someone compliments the Dominant on the behavior of the slave/sub. It may occur at home, when a meal is particularly fabulous and the house is incredibly perfect. It may occur during a scene, when a slave/sub takes more than he/she ever has, or tries something new, or reacts so well to the touch of the Dominants hand.

These are just examples mind you, Primary Domspace can be experienced through a wide variety of activities and for each individual it is different.

The physical effects of Primary Domspace

* A warm flushed feeling, almost as if you are blushing but there is no outward signs of redness. An odd sensation in your chest as if your chest is three times as big and thrust out for everyone to see.

* A sharp squareness to your shoulders, that reflects the ability to take on the world at that very moment. You will find the wondrous adornment of a smile; however small, that radiates from the very depths of one's soul and can be seen by all, even the blind.

It is at the very moment of Primary Domspace that a Dominant truly understands why they are who they are, and how much the slave/sub means to them. There are many types of medication and illicit drugs that can create the euphoric feelings as described above, but to this day no medical doctor of back room chemist has managed to find a formula that will extend this wondrous feeling to the length that Primary Dom space is capable of doing.
One warning should be given at this time…Primary Dom space is very addictive in nature. Please read the warning label supplied with your slave/sub prior to attempting this action. Do not attempt to activate Primary Dom space while operating heavy machinery; do not drive a motor vehicle while maintaining Primary Dom space.

Secondary Domspace
Secondary Domspace is a physical reaction to external stimulants as well; however, it is more chemically associated than Primary Domspace. Secondary Domspace is normally active when the Dominant and slave/sub are scening together, specifically during physical exertion, this does include to some degree sexual activity. As with subspace, Dom space varies with each individual, therefore there are a wide variety of physical and emotional symptoms to this unique phenomenon.

The physical effects of Secondary Domspace

When doing a scene that is particularly physical the human body becomes a virtual chemical factory, the brain regularly produces more than 50 identified active chemicals, at a rate of more than 100,000 chemical reactions every second; during a highly physical or stimulating experience the brain produces a higher level of some chemicals.

During a period of highly physical activity the body will first secrete higher levels of adrenaline, a hormone that is naturally present within the body at moderated levels. This hormone is produced by the adrenal glands located directly above the kidneys. Once the hormone is release through out the body in elevated levels several things will occur; primarily adrenaline constricts the minor blood vessels within the body and expands the larger blood vessels. This action will increase the blood flow to the skeletal muscles and the liver; it will also make an individual hypersensitive… specifically the senses will be much more sensitive, and aware of change even to the most minute degree.

After the body is a functionally super charge machine and hypersensitive the next chemical released is Seratonin.
Seratonin is a neurotransmitter involved in the transmission of nerve impulses within the brain. When the brain produces Seratonin tension is eased and an almost calming effect becomes present. Seratonin is also a powerful vasco-constrictor, specifically it has a strong effect on temporarily narrowing the veins; it is this action that creates the light headedness, or dizziness a Dominant may feel during a scene.

Now that the body is a hypersensitive, super charge machine on Prozac, we move on to the next chemical reaction…the release of endorphins. Endorphins are hormones the body naturally produces to relieve pain, they have a similar chemical structure to morphine.
Endorphins are also the chemical that is released by the body at the point of orgasm; hence it may cause some interesting physical reactions such as flushed skin, dilated pupils, the lips of the mouth may darken, the nipple may become erect, the clitoris or penis may become engorged with blood and become enlarged or erect.
Endorphins also help control the emotions during a highly emotionally stressful or physically strenuous time, hence an almost floating feeling or the after glow effect.

When the body is a hypersensitive, super charged machine, on Prozac and Viagra; we can move on to the next chemical reaction. At this point the body will naturally begin to produce higher levels of Dopamine, a chemical messenger whose effects are similar to that of amphetamines and cocaine. Hence an elevated heart rate, raised blood pressure, and a dramatic increase in energy level. Dopamine affects the brains process that controls movement, emotional response and the ability to experience pleasure or pain. Simply put at this point you are pretty sure that you should probably be sitting down instead of trying to walk, but you have too much energy to just sit there.

Now we have the body hypersensitive, a super charged machine crossed with the energizer bunny that is ten foot tall and bullet proof on Prozac and Viagra. Now comes the final piece to the puzzle. With the increased levels of Dopamine in the system there also comes a marked increase in Ozytocin, the cuddling hormone; the secretion of this hormone creates a bond between the Dominant and submissive, it creates a euphoria almost dreamlike state.

During an orgasm an individual will produce up to 500% higher level of Ozytocin, The level of Ozytocin is based on the emotional attachment between the individuals involved.

So there we have it, the explanation and medical facts about Secondary Dom space.

1. The Dominant may experience a drastic increase in energy.

2. The Dominant may become hypersensitive, allowing the Dominant to make that perfect connection with the slave/sub. Able to see every flinch, to feel each muscle as it contracts, to hear each moan or sigh.

3. The Dominant may notice a slight lightheadedness or dizziness.

4. The Dominant may feel flushed, or hot.

5. The Dominant may feel some degree of sexual excitement.

6. The Dominant's heart rate and blood pressure may be elevated and the energy level has taken another drastic increase. The increase heart rate and/or blood pressure may cause a sense of disorientation almost disassociation from reality.

7. The Dominant may grow closer and deeper intone with the slave/submissive, holding him/her for a time and sharing the euphoric feeling radiating from the both of them.

So!
Domspace is a lovely feeling, it is a completely unique and addictive experience.

For more about subspace, click here.


27 Oct 2012

B





It takes a man
A big man
A loving man
An open man
A warm man
A wise man
A wonderful Dominant
To be
Heartbroken
And 
Supportive


26 Oct 2012

decision time



So there it is, I have made the decision and asked Meester for release. I have chosen for my husband. All surrounding this, all the feelings, everything is double. I am grieving of having to ask Meester for release but also happy what might may be ahead in the future.

I have always been open towards my husband about my desires. Even when there was a lingering interest on his side for a long time it was a bridge to far. Within all my frustration I always accepted that he needed time. Just the moment that I thought he wouldn't want to follow in my path, he decided on his own he wants to take his journey with me. And in my heart it is what I have always wanted.

So it is strange. I feel like I have to detox and on the other hand I have to see how I surrender to a novice Dom. I have to surrender to the one I share my life with. I see a change, a decision from deep within him. But within all the turmoil it creates in me, I also feel calm and positive.

So now the journey has taken his path into my life, I know now that being a submissive, being within this lifestyle is coming home. Actually internet gave me all the tools to open up, to explore and know for sure this was what I was missing in life. But this mostly secret life was hard as I really wanted to be fully open. I needed time I think to come to terms with myself. I had to accept this is what I want and need. But the responsibilities at home, the struggle we were going through and in which we still struggle are in my opinion worth all of it. 

Is this an happy end? I have no clue, but I will give it all I have in me.

23 Oct 2012

fragile





we carefully dance 
around each other
polite and warm
in every way
how fragile we are
so fragile we are


22 Oct 2012

present



today, I have taken the last step
in all I feel vulnerable 
my head to the future 
my heart in the past 
I know I have to move on 
so I have taken the last step
cutting the umbilical cord
to move my heart
towards the present

20 Oct 2012

order




with all the decisions
I got to make
I am drowning so
I wished I could 
cry out loud
But all there is
is deeply hidden
this dark and gloomy
room
with to many books
filled with stories
adventures
I need to
open the windows
lock the doors
but for now
I am wandering
like a stray dog
as my finger travels
the covers
and have to
put them in order

12 Oct 2012

.........




If I could ease Your pain
By walking an endless road
Wrapping You in my wings
By staying for the night
But I just can't ease it

But it is all worthwhile
In every minute with You
In any order of You
In any word You say
But I can't stay

And what I want to tell You
cannot be captured in words
cannot be captured in art
cannot be captured at all
as I cannot be captured

You caught me when I fell
and now I let You fall
You warmhearted man
You have touched me
More than anyone before

I was Yours before I ever knew



10 Oct 2012

secret garden



I have a secret garden
a garden where I play
a place of toys and joys
I planted my own trees
I put a swing and flowers
a place where I could flee 
to play my hide and seek
a place to be spanked
beaten and bound
ordered around
a place I can relax
my place, my headspace
in any case
it's about to change



9 Oct 2012

walk




I wished I could walk
a walk in the woods
just on my own
my thoughts just easing
with every step
until I am calm enough
to really think
clearly

I wished I could walk
just hear my steps
the crackling of branches
under my feet
the scent of the air
to really enjoy
just that what
surrounds me

The colours
the light
In the quiet
of the day
in all calm
and reach
silence
of mind

6 Oct 2012

it's complicated




Looking at facebook or fetlife it would be there in the profiles of people: "It's somplicated'. I always smiled, never putting myself into that category. Hey! My life is not complicated! My life is a breeze, my life is a breath of fresh air, my life is full of little wonders and love. I made my own bubble of dreams.

But!

Within all of that, it started getting complicated. One day in a string in fetlife after a question of someone who had lied about his married life someone answered:

"If your spouse truly loves you, she should give you the freedom who you are."

And even though I was a little annoyed and tried to brush it away as insignificant, a little seed of doubt had nested in my brain. Unconsciously I started to rebel. I became more irritated. I had tried for years to talk, finally thought I had accepted all of his inhibitions. After a while these irritations appeared more and more on the surface until I was almost at the point to think my life was very complicated. And for the first time I felt I no longer could put up with it. I had opened that can of D/s and so many good things had started. I have always been frank about my interest. He had always been curious, but couldn't open up. Finally I was drifting away and stopped trying.

In my head I was counting my losses if I would leave and than suddenly now... he has opened that can as well.

What can I say? "It's complicated!"







4 Oct 2012

all of it.....



How can I ever yield?
How will it ever be?
What happened all between us
made me construct a shield.
I packed it full of lies,
bending what is true
But know it was for you

How can I ever submit?
Do even a simple kneel
within this circle of deceit?
Whatever way I choose.
I know it is defeat
within the turmoil
I so deeply feel.

I hope I will not hurt.
But I know in the end I do.
For better and for worse,
Is what I'm giving you.


This rocky trail I walk


has worth, every bit.

Babe, I hope one day
you understand

all of it........



2 Oct 2012

tears



I cry 
tears
flooding 
my cheeks
in endless
streams
brooks
rivers
waterfalls 
lakes
seas
oceans
it will
stop
and 
I am
sure
there is 
a time
that
even I
will see
the beauty
of it