6 Nov 2012

letting go

So what am I doing? I am letting go. One time a psychologist told me this story and it is one of the most valuable metaphors in my life. 

In the kitchen we place things in a way we think is convenient. We have an order of things. It is good we can find things easy and after a while we can 'blindly' find the times we needed. But their might be a time that we need to, for some reason, place an itme at another cupboard. As soon as we have done that we need to reprogram our brain and because we are so used to the old place.

So it might be a mug, I placed it near the coffee, but it wasn't really right there so I replaced. Everytime I reach out for that it is no longer there. Every time I will think: Oh yes I replaced it! This will happen several weeks until, I have learned and replaced it in my brain as well.
I am gradually replacing items in my brain at the moment. It is not just the one item. It feels as if I moved house and have to keep asking myself where I put everything and like moving it is stressfull and makes me tired. I am used to certain rhytms, to certain orders, to be dominated in a certain way. That domination was very succesfull. 

So how does that feel, to be suddenly without a Dominant?

When I talk to him, see him or think of him the feelings return. Sometimes out of the blue it returns when I have a memory. It will only gradually go. It is lost luggage. I moved on and lost a suitcase with some of my best clothes in it; that wonderful dress, those ideal shoes, that one lovely picture of a special person etc. It cannot be replaced. But I do know that, even when I long to wear that dress again, it is out of reach. It is gone.
I drove home in the car today, for the first time I suddenly felt happy. I went over my suitcase of lost luggage and I smiled, feeling the happiness of all that is in there. I have been able to wear that dress and those shoes that fitted so perfectly. I am blessed to have known that, to have felt that and to have enjoyed it. I looked around and the sun shines, all is there, all that love that has been given to me, what pure beauty!

The mug?

The mug is within reach, it has always been.

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