25 Jan 2013


Dear followers and readers,

I haven't been blogging for a while. Strangely enough it is because I have this large pot hanging above the fire and I am trying out the recipe for a new stew. On all sides of life I am using the knowledge I gained and will use it to make changes. I want to excel in the things I am good at and I want to improve the things that I am poorly in. 

This change of attitude is going really fast. I have a wonderful life, I have a wonderful creative brain and I simply need to take the dust of. I am dusting and it is so good to see all starting to shine and change. 

So this stew on the fire, has all the ingredients I already know and tasted, but in different amounts. I am asking people to taste, to say what they think. I am asking a hell of a lot of people to help me. So to make this wonderful stew for everyone to taste and to enjoy is simply by asking people for help. By opening up and realizing you can't do anything on your own. 

Somebody taught me to ride a bicycle, another one taught me arithmetic, I have been taught so much in life and I am still learning. Some teach me to understand and value my inner-beauty. Others have made me feel my submissive side, they helped me along on my journey and they still do. I have now so many valuable friends who show me my worth.

Strangely enough admitting for myself that I am a submissive, gave me an incredible boost in self-acceptance and self-esteem. Did that come easy? No! And it still hard work. But I cannot fully describe the positive effects, however it made me think about self-esteem.



A lot will say: 'I am suffering form low self-esteem.' Their insecurity has taken over and the 'suffering' has become the important issue in their lives as an incurable disease. They portray themselves with self hatred and will advocate that to all and everyone. But and that is important, they advocate it mostly to themselves that they are useless in so many ways and even more important that there is no way out. In fact they are self-absorbed. 

And any attempt they do is going to fail. They have gotten themselves into a high level of anxiety over many things that comes by and are very good in avoiding. And most of all it makes people seek for a constant endorsement of others to hear how wonderful they actually are. Of course that is important to heal yourself, but the aim should to get self respect. To feel that you deserve the best. And the realization that if you want the best for yourself that there are many, many ways to go about it. Constantly helping all and everyone is a way to hide. It makes you hiding in helping others so you do need to help yourself. The fact is however, you can only help the other if you are truly able to help your self.


If we look at high self-esteem actually the same self-abosorption is there only it manifests itself differently. We have become very egotistical and cannot look beyond ourselves to the other. We glow in self importance and do not allow anyone to criticize it. Most have a big harness and will lash out first so they don't have to be 'hurt' again and can maintain their self-absorption. They are usually very judgmental and will not accept any contradictory opinions. Some will judge and sentence without knowing the full picture. We could say they are very unforgiving and will stay angry, because that is easier than giving yourself the insight what your part int the whole picture might be.
By being so they are actually much the same as the ones with low-selfesteem. They just have more weapons and face their opponents, or simply gossip malignantly with no respect whatsoever. So here, you could say: You cannot help the other, because you think you need only to help yourself.


Sure, what I wrote above is an exaggeration. Speaking of self-esteem is often seen as being either a winner (high) or a whiner (low). There is a lot of truth in that and although a winner sounds wonderful, high-selfesteem is ruthless, without any respect to others. We see it happening in sports a lot: They just want to win at all costs! Or in business: They just want to earn money at all costs. Both is devastating to others and can be devastating for yourself.

But low self-esteem or high self-esteem is not a disease you suffer from. And sometimes it fluctuates or intertwines being low or high. I strongly belief it is just a lack of self-respect. Why do we need self-respect? We need self-respect to accept help from others, If we can accept help, we move forward in very positive ways. If we reach out, we can get so much back. Just ask?
I realized so much was taught to me simply by people helping me and I stopped that because I thought I didn't deserve at all. I realized I teach as well and I do that daily. I give it for free and I do not ask anything in return. It is simply up to the other if he takes my hand or not. And of course they are not obliged to take mine, perhaps it works out of the mouth of someone else so much better.
I should know that I cannot teach others in things I have no experience in or lack of knowledge of. I will share what I can and know. But what I can do is referring them to someone who does know or who has the skills and knowledge.
We need others to help us, to guide us, to teach us! Only than we can truly help others.

If we look at pyramid of Maslow's hierarchy of needs it is important to realize that all is part of us. 

I have been wrong for so, so long! It is not about self-esteem! It is all about self-respect! How do I know? Since I am accepting help, since I am open to others helping me I have gained so much. To try to solve all problems on my own is actually heartbreaking, that I have kept so much within me and didn't see there are so many different ways forward by simply asking for advise, help, guidance and sharing.
It means you have to take charge of your own life. Why, how can I respect the other if I keep all within myself, if I do not use the wisdom, experience etc of others. I simply show them my respect that others know things I do not know.
And that sounds perhaps contradictory for a submissive (or even the Dominant in charge ;-). But it is not, shouldn't we as a submissive be open communicative? Isn't communication not the main skill she has to have. And to be communicative you have to take charge, because you have to take charge of your own anxieties, of your life, of what you need and what and you do need a lot of self-respect. You cannot expect others to solve your problems if you do not reach out and find ways that suit you to solve them. Respect yourself and take charge.

But damn! Realizing that is so good!

I have taken charge so I hope you have enjoyed this recipe. I am still working on my stew. I need nourishment every day, but the taste is getting better and better. All I want is people at the diner table to share it with me and do know that all the blogs I read here have lovely recipes. We all do different things to take charge and I learn from all who help, guide, write and listen, thank you. 


squirrel said...

I am glad to see you are back and posting! That's wonderful things are going well for you. I miss your poetry. :-)

love, squirrel

ara said...

Thanks Squirrel, one day the poetry will flow again. I am simply not there yet.

love ara

Elder said...

I enjoyed you post. I have been out of the loop myself for a long while, so only reading it now.

I need to give the part of high self respect a thought. It is not that I don't agree with what you say about it, but what you describe as "high self-esteem" sounds to me as low self-esteem being compensated by deliberately appearing confident, or even compensating is in one area. (Think OTT sportsman, perhaps it is the only area he has self-respect in)

I also think you should look at egoism and self-respect as two independent things, i.e. you can be egoistic regardless of your own self-esteem.

I will end my comment with how I nudged melinda in the right direction of a higher self-esteem when we first met. When she told me how worthless she was I told her it was kind of an affront to think her Dom would choose a worthless subbie. So by insisting she is worthless she is either questioning my judgement or assuming I can only get the worse.
(Just thinking now) Following this logic, any Dom saying his subbie is worthless is also judging himself. Anyway that is then his problem to fix that for him self.


ara said...

Dear Brutus

It shines through in Your posts and Melinda's how YOu want her to be healthy of body and mind. I think one of the duties of a Dominant that is so very valuable.

I always value your opinion and this has made me think. You considered what I call high self esteem as low self esteem as well. You are right I think I have to explain that better.

You deserve a good reply also on the egoism and self-respect. I need to give it a good thought and I wonder how others look at this?