24 Feb 2013


Recently Brutus commented on my blog-post; EurekaI like and value his insights and the humorous ways he and his sub Melinda interacts. Their honesty is just such a pleasure to read. 

Here is his comment:
"I enjoyed you post. I have been out of the loop myself for a long while, so only reading it now. I need to give the part of high self respect a thought. It is not that I don't agree with what you say about it, but what you describe as "high self-esteem" sounds to me as low self-esteem being compensated by deliberately appearing confident, or even compensating is in one area. (Think OTT sportsman, perhaps it is the only area he has self-respect in)

I also think you should look at egoism and self-respect as two independent things, i.e. you can be egoistic regardless of your own self-esteem. 
I will end my comment with how I nudged melinda in the right direction of a higher self-esteem when we first met. When she told me how worthless she was I told her it was kind of an affront to think her Dom would choose a worthless subbie. So by insisting she is worthless she is either questioning my judgement or assuming I can only get the worse. (Just thinking now) Following this logic. "

So to catch the ball he threw at me I had to tussle it a little and think things over before I could answer.

First of all I so agree with him when he says that when a sub says of herself that she is a worthless subbie, she is definitely not honoring herself at all and most of all by doing that not honoring her Master. 

Because I was curious about self-esteem I started to research it. Why? Because my self-evaluation had gotten really low and I wanted to change it. I wanted to become stronger because I also noticed that there were many good aspects, skills and talents I should use in  a far more competent way, but my low self-esteem was pulling me down.

I started to do discussions in Second Life about Self-esteem and as soon as it came to high self-esteem people would talk about pride. Pride in the sense of haughty and not very pleasant. I would start to defend high self-esteem saying it was a good thing to reach in life until I started to research more. It is what I wanted to say that when you evaluate it is like the picture above you look into the mirror. What you see is what you get. A person with low self-esteem sees herself as overweighed and ugly, the other might see what she is and the other might over evaluate herself.

So why do I say high self-esteem is not always a very sane thing. I have to agree that there are people who really do know there their competence and self value. They know when to turn to the other for help and not they make a good self-evaluation. But there are those who think highly of themselves, but that does not necessarily mean others do the same. They have negative high self-esteem, are usually orally abusive or aggressive to those who do not see them as how they perceive themselves; life revolves only around themselves.

What is self-esteem?

According to wikipedia

Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame. Smith and Mackie define it by saying "The self-concept is what we think about the self; self-esteem, is the positive or negative evaluations of the self, as in how we feel about it." Self-esteem is also known as the evaluative dimension of the self that includes feelings of worthiness, prides and discouragement.

Brutus is right! I need to think more about self respect and egoism in context with self-esteem! 

So how do I respect myself?

I should first and most of all: Look after my mental and physical well-being! That is exercise, being outdoors, good nutrition and enough sleep. It is the simple basics we need.
When tired, you are easier sad, down etc. When not in good condition we get low, tired etc. If we do not look after ourselves than we do not respect ourselves.

Don't talk yourself down, you wouldn't say to a close friend; "Your hips are to big, you have a fat ass, you are ugly now would you. You wouldn't say that your friend is stupid or whatever negative comes to mind. And if you keep on repeating that to yourself it gets worse.

If you respect others for their knowledge and value than also respect yourself for your own knowledge and value. You do not need to be a Neurosurgeon to earn respect. Just ask some good friends what they think and do belief the answer is genuine.

Do not accept disrespect. But what is disrespect?

Brutus has this wonderful blog; "The thoughts of a Dom".


melinda Sweetgirl said...

sitting on the bus at the moment so difficult to comment, I will come back tho!

ara said...

Can't wait to read it Melinda!

Elder said...

it took me a while to respond. I have been busy outside blogger-land. The other day I was talking with melinda and she told me many people confuse self esteem with self confidence. The are not the same and if you use them trough each other then you will get in trouble (with the semantic that is).
Initially I disagreed with your assessment that too high self esteem is bad as well. Until I read your Wiki summary, and following that explanation it is possible to have too much self esteem because esteem is interchangeable with assessment (I wonder if melinda will agree with that... *looks in the air with rolling eyes*).
The question is, can one have too much self respect? I do not think so. In general it is difficult to have too much respect, bar with people who do not deserve it.
So I hope your research has boosted your self respect.

ara said...

Oh it has! I think when I started in the world of BDSM i grew faster than ever before. It pushed me to research more and more of me.

It is indeed in the self assessment where the stumbling block lays of either high and low self-esteem.

So yes the self respect is growing... not time to tackle self-confidence in a constructive manner. Step by step.