19 Jun 2013

negotiation (part 2)

Who am I?
So I wandered around a little in BDSM in SL and experienced a few scenes in RL. I read blogs of very experienced people and I start to understand how inexperienced I am. What right do I have to write about BDSM? There are people out there who know so much more. So who am I?

Woman, Bottom, Masochist, Submissive, Slave?
If I want to downgrade myself I am just an average woman, who dared to follow her kink a little. Who has responsibilities, who will fight for those. I am without a Master by choice. What can I say it is complicated. I had a bad Master, at least someone who wasn't enhancing me. I had a good Master who gave me the freedom to express myself. I explored my submissive side. But have I ever dared to explore me, my submissive self? What kind of submissive I am? I think I have never questioned it, understood it and fully explored it.
There is not one kind of submissive. There is not a true submissive. I am just a woman who submits. The more I think of it, the more I know I have far more in me to be a slave than a submissive. So what is the difference between a submissive and a slave? How do I dare to come to that conclusion? Am I some jellyfish that dances on the waves? I am not.

So hereby a few definitions which I found on the submissive guide website:
A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.
A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.
A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.
A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.
Not what, but who!
So there seem to be clearcut definitions, but how do I fit in these? How can I ever negotiate if I do not know what I am negotiating for? So let's look at the what, if we can speak of what. What I am? A Bottom, sure but not me, I want far more than that. Masochist? Right I like pain. I have had a hard time admitting that but once I found out the effect of pain I know for sure I like pain. To what extent? I have really no idea? As I said I am a rookie.
But now comes the difficult part, I have yet no idea how I would fit in? So any comments and help here is welcome.
Am I a submissive or a slave? If I study the description above I would say I am not exactly a submissive, I do not decide and yield everytime. Once I have submitted I submit full heartedly with all in me. I want to please and to please I will do all. I know that desire is deep within me. I do not want a veto, I do not want a safeword. I want to yield to the one that is worthy of me. Who shows that full commitment and who fits my intelligence, my fire, my feisty personality, my ups and downs, my needs and wants to fulfill his. It doesn't make me less of a person, it doesn't mean I cannot decide things on my own, it doesn't mean I cannot express my opinion.
I learned that I am not some little girl, I hate to be treated as a little girl. I utterly hate to have a protection that suffocates me. You can only protect if you now the one to protect and how to protect her. I am a slave by heart and an equal. Fully equal. We enhance each other. That responsibilities goes both ways.
And there I start doubting myself..... If I write that I will only give myself to one who also looks after my needs and wants. Or better to say he has my needs and wants above all, who will cherish me above all, is that fair. If in fact I should be the one to do that? Can a slave be equal even though she will submit to all?
At least it feels I ask a hell of a lot!
Do I? 


Branwyn Moonbeam said...

You have touched on so much of the struggle in this and I was very moved by your confessions here, your uncertainties, for I have them, too.

You said: "Once I have submitted I submit full heartedly with all in me. I want to please and to please I will do all. I know that desire is deep within me. I do not want a veto, I do not want a safeword. I want to yield to the one that is worthy of me." and asked if that was too much to expect of your Dominant.

I too am a woman who was raised to be strong and independent. I found though as I set out on this path to self-discovery that I am submissive, perhaps even a slave. I too do not want a safeword with My Dominant yet I only seem to be able to give myself fully in SL.

It is a matter of trust. Trust in my RL Dominant, my husband? No, I trust him with my heart, with my life, with all that I am. It is trust in myself that I fall short on. Trust that I can let go, that I can do everything he wants of me, trust that I can be all I feel deep inside and be good enough for us both.

I think this is a struggle that will take both of us, and it is one I will fight for, will keep striving for. I already belong to him, I just need to know what I am, so I can give it fully.

Thank you for asking such hard questions, for being so open and so vulnerable, for shining the light inward so we can see you and in turn look inward at ourselves and be vulnerable, too.

I love you, sister-mine!

ara said...

thank you lovely loving Jewel

Unknown said...

It is always a pleasure to learn more about the mind and soul of such Good Girls.
~Frank Lardner~

Unknown said...

I always learn from reading Ara's posts, and now a double value from jewel's comment.
~ Frank Lardner ~

ara said...

Thank you so much for your lovely comment