1 Jul 2013

How to negotiate a collar

So what if you want to negotiate a collar. How do we proceed and make clear what we want and need and how do we go about it. How will it lead to a basic trust and good communication. BTW any criticism or comment about what I have written here is welcome.

Why should I negotiate a potential collar?
As a submissive you will make the choice on what and how you want things. Is that fair? Yes! A dominant needs to know all before he can decide the best course for you. So negotiating is very valuable for both. It sets the start. Do you only negotiate once and only before the collar is finally agreed on? I personally don't think so. Sometimes You have to reset the understanding, look if all still fits and see how things can be altered. Good communication is necessary to reach that point. I think a dominant can ask again to negotiate to see if what he is doing still fits. And of course ultimately he decides. But he can only properly Dominate if the submissive gives him all the information needed to make the decisions. The Dominant has to know what she wants and needs, also when they might have changed.

Accepting a collar is starting a deep, trustful and meaningful relationship. Do realize that, it is not a game. Be aware with whom you are stepping in that relationship. Do not offer a collar lightheartedly and do not accept one lightheartedly.

Accept you are worthy to negotiate with
At least negotiate, some will not like to negotiate especially submissives have a tendency not wanting to negotiate what they want and how they want the relation to be. Some are afraid it is not becoming or pleasing. That is far from the truth. A dominant who is not willing to negotiate is actually not doing himself a favor. I might even add, is he a good Dominant?
So to settle things the first step is accept that you can negotiate, that you have the right to negotiate and make your mind up to fully go for it simply because you are worth it.
That is hard for many submissives I think because they have a tendency to give in easily or they try to protect themselves by building a wall to the other. However if you can admit to yourself that you need negotiating things are easier.
For the Dominants it is necessary to negotiate as well. They have to tell their own wants and needs and to find out of things will work out, on what level of experience the submissive is and if it his cup of tea.

Do your homework, in this day and age so much is available to get a basic idea. Think on what is important for you, make sure what those things are. Only than can you start build bridges to find compromises. Even with a collar compromises need to be made. Own up to yourself, be responsible for yourself.

I have written about it here before, it isn't bad to do both a checklist of likes and dislikes and to see what your ultimate limits are. Be sure also Dominants have limits of how far they want to go or think they will go. It is good to know before hand where everyone stands in this.
Touch this checklist for one you can use.

To be honest is showing respect for the other. Of course their might be things you have trouble telling each other. But do know that some fundamental stuff is necessary. In the virtual world you shouldn't lie about your age, if you are a man or a woman, or if you are married or not.

Negotiating needs to be done by putting all on the table and to find out on how things can fit or not, what feelings are and how to coninue. It should be done with having all options open even the one where you will say: "It doesn't fit."
Negotiating is not about winning, it is actually asking what do you want and need and vice versa. Being open about all you want to say and not hiding anything. Being open is to really listen to what both parties have to say. To be able to listen and accept what the other wants and needs and seek not the differences first, but listen to where you can agree on first. It is not about getting the best deal for yourself, but to come together in a deal that works for you both.
Listening is having an active attitude. Active because you want to really understand what the other is saying. You are not waiting for your turn to be able to say something next. And do not listen actively only for those things you do not agree with and respond to those once you answer. Just listen first on both sides without any immediate reaction because only than you either find the similarities and the things you do not agree on.

Make sure that you keep in mind that you are on the same team, it is not a match, not war it is simply a way to see how you can be together the best way. Or perhaps you find out it will not work. Just keep an open view, do not close doors immediately, weighing and considering is always good to do. Teamwork also means that sometime things can be stopped for a while. So each one can thinks things through.

If emotions run high do not resolve there and than wait a day or a couple of days. It smoothens feelings and also it helps getting to the core of what you feel. Silence can be a very good way to communicate with yourself and needed to find answers. It also gives you time to review what the other said to you, or better said understand what they have said. In anger bad decisions are made, in feeling sorry for yourself, or whatever negativity, just do not make the decision yet.

The result in the end should be that trust if fully established. Both should keep the bargain they settled on. Sometimes A dominant thinks he can simply do what he wants without considering the submissive after the collar is around her neck, but he should be aware it will shake the foundations if he doesn't keep with his end of the bargain. On the other end the submissive cannot go back on what she accepted unless she cannot cope and should ask politely if he is willing to talk openly with her. Those times are necessary when you feel things are falling apart. Do not give in to easily, when you are tired or sad. It will back fire in the end.

Accept if all is not what you had expected and wanted from each other if it is not working out, let it go. Enjoy if the result is how you wanted things. At least get to know each other before you start negotiating a collar.

Most of all enjoy because negotiating can be a lot of hilarious fun to!


David F. said...

I like your posts and your blog in general.
This is a very profound analysis of the process of collaring. I liked it. Thank you.

ara said...

Thank You, I really appreciate Your comment. It makes writing these kind of Posts worthwhile.