19 Nov 2013

a sunny day



I know I haven't failed,
I failed.
I know that I should speak
I wished I hadn't
I know all I know
and stumbled
bruised me knees

I stand at the picket fence
Staring at the horizon
blurred now
breathing the panic away
the sun is still shining
the sun always shines
even when it is dark

15 Nov 2013

trust and D/s



It is often said in D/s that a submissive needs to trust, or sometimes she should take a leap of faith. I have always wondered: I will not trust out of the blue. Nobody needs to trust out of the blue and I think it is to easily said: "Trust me." So what is trust and how do we learn to trust? How do we establish trust?





Trusting

We say we need to trust somebody. Trusting is a verb and verbs needs actions. To trust is an action but you also show to others you are trustworthy by your own actions. In any relation you learn to trust. But especially in BDSM trust is one of the most essential basic component in the relationship between Dominant and submissive. There is also an essential fragility in submission. Without it submission does not exist. Of course a submissive is strong to be able to submit, but she is vulnerable when she is submitting. Especially when she is in subspace and flying off without any control what so ever. That bond in D/s is very important.
We can never be a 100% safe. In D/s both can fail one way or the other. But it is the accumulations of actions that makes or breaks it. It is how you get out of it. Some have beautiful words, the words dripping like honey form their lips. They say all the right things and all there actions contradict there words.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.


We all start with a basic trust. It is like asking for directions, most people will give you the right answer and send you int the right direction, only few will deliberately send you into the wrong direction. You need to give everyone that basic trust. Nevertheless you will not immediately trust everyone with the content of your bank account and you are right to do so.

Do not take trust lightly, but also do not distrust to easily. Deep trust takes time. You have to know if they are honest, consistent, if the claim to know if that claim is actually valuable. Perhaps they are nice to you but how do they treat others?

Leaping into D/s is often talked about. Should we leap into trusting? We can suddenly trust all and completely. It would be foolish. It would be foolish to trust someone to fly a plane fi You have no idea if he actually knows how to fly it. You have to choose and know if that person has the capability to fly one. But on the other hand if we booked a flight we trust the company to use a pilot with the proper license to fly.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved

I've once heard a saying that being faithful in the small things, one shows themselves capable of being faithful in larger things. So i would say we should take leaps - small ones to start.
So what are some cornerstones of trust?


Reliability
Do what you say you will do, not following through ad the foundation gradually deteriorate.
Honour all your promises and if you can’t explain why, don’t keep them hanging.
Now that the lack of following through is a huge disappointment, maybe you think it is insignificant for the other it might be very important.

Honesty
Be genuine, do not spare feelings to spare the other.
Tell how you feel. You facts might not be theirs, do accept that another might not see things as you do. But be compassionate and understanding.

Share
Give information, do not hide it. Don’t say I am fine when you are not. Or I do not want to talk about it. If you share information you are not excluding the other.
Give reliable information, people will notice the missing links in your story.
Sometimes you are not ready to share or talk, simply explain that you are not now able to talk about it but that you will at a time you can.
Tell the truth.

Keep secrets
Do not be pushy to know all if you feel suspicious. Give them time. Respect however the secrets of others or the confidentiality of others.
If you lied admit to it, nobody is perfect. Do not deny when you get caught.

Integrity
That is the ability to protect others, Trust is solid when a person knows and feels your loyalty.
That means you do not always have to show sides to be loyal. Try to be fair.
Be consistent in your behaviour, be predictable and reliable.


Trusting is a decision you must make knowing that there aren't any guarantees.

When you decide to trust someone it means that you believe in that person's integrity. Trusting is knowing that ultimately this person's intentions are good. And it also means that you know that they are going to make mistakes. You have to realize that trust is not about finding the perfect, trustworthy person; it's about signing-up to work through hurt when it arises.

When people have been hurt you often hear them saying: "I will never trust again." We always need to trust again after being hurt, life is very lonely without trust. Most need a close relationship. We are after all social creatures. Although some people have been betrayed deeply and essentially in their childhood, think they can never ever trust again. But what they often do not realize is that they trust daily in little things. Like trusting that the food you ordered in the Restaurant is delivered to you.
Always ease yourself into a relationship slowly, it give you the time to witness their actions and reactions towards others and it is a perfect indicator of how someone is.

One last thing of trust!
Trust yourself that after being betrayed, you are capable to trust again. Be confident you will get over it when the other person lets you down, it will be much easier for you to learn to trust again.

Few delights can equal the presence of one whom we trust utterly


12 Nov 2013

Lurkers Day



Florida Dom wrote a blog about Lurkers Day and I thought it a wonderful suggestion.

See the link here: 
Florida Dom's Lurkers Day




I like to read him and do comment occasionally. It made me realize I need to comment more often. If you are shy or just starting off on the path of BDSM do lurk and read as much as you can.

But!

If you lurk frequently isn't it about time to comment or start a blog. Don't be shy as reading blogs is very very insightful, but so is writing one for your self. And do know what ever you write is insightful for others too.

So climb that fence you feel and comment! Write! De-Lurk!

I will love you for it.

ara