15 Nov 2013

trust and D/s

It is often said in D/s that a submissive needs to trust, or sometimes she should take a leap of faith. I have always wondered: I will not trust out of the blue. Nobody needs to trust out of the blue and I think it is to easily said: "Trust me." So what is trust and how do we learn to trust? How do we establish trust?


We say we need to trust somebody. Trusting is a verb and verbs needs actions. To trust is an action but you also show to others you are trustworthy by your own actions. In any relation you learn to trust. But especially in BDSM trust is one of the most essential basic component in the relationship between Dominant and submissive. There is also an essential fragility in submission. Without it submission does not exist. Of course a submissive is strong to be able to submit, but she is vulnerable when she is submitting. Especially when she is in subspace and flying off without any control what so ever. That bond in D/s is very important.
We can never be a 100% safe. In D/s both can fail one way or the other. But it is the accumulations of actions that makes or breaks it. It is how you get out of it. Some have beautiful words, the words dripping like honey form their lips. They say all the right things and all there actions contradict there words.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

We all start with a basic trust. It is like asking for directions, most people will give you the right answer and send you int the right direction, only few will deliberately send you into the wrong direction. You need to give everyone that basic trust. Nevertheless you will not immediately trust everyone with the content of your bank account and you are right to do so.

Do not take trust lightly, but also do not distrust to easily. Deep trust takes time. You have to know if they are honest, consistent, if the claim to know if that claim is actually valuable. Perhaps they are nice to you but how do they treat others?

Leaping into D/s is often talked about. Should we leap into trusting? We can suddenly trust all and completely. It would be foolish. It would be foolish to trust someone to fly a plane fi You have no idea if he actually knows how to fly it. You have to choose and know if that person has the capability to fly one. But on the other hand if we booked a flight we trust the company to use a pilot with the proper license to fly.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved

I've once heard a saying that being faithful in the small things, one shows themselves capable of being faithful in larger things. So i would say we should take leaps - small ones to start.
So what are some cornerstones of trust?

Do what you say you will do, not following through ad the foundation gradually deteriorate.
Honour all your promises and if you can’t explain why, don’t keep them hanging.
Now that the lack of following through is a huge disappointment, maybe you think it is insignificant for the other it might be very important.

Be genuine, do not spare feelings to spare the other.
Tell how you feel. You facts might not be theirs, do accept that another might not see things as you do. But be compassionate and understanding.

Give information, do not hide it. Don’t say I am fine when you are not. Or I do not want to talk about it. If you share information you are not excluding the other.
Give reliable information, people will notice the missing links in your story.
Sometimes you are not ready to share or talk, simply explain that you are not now able to talk about it but that you will at a time you can.
Tell the truth.

Keep secrets
Do not be pushy to know all if you feel suspicious. Give them time. Respect however the secrets of others or the confidentiality of others.
If you lied admit to it, nobody is perfect. Do not deny when you get caught.

That is the ability to protect others, Trust is solid when a person knows and feels your loyalty.
That means you do not always have to show sides to be loyal. Try to be fair.
Be consistent in your behaviour, be predictable and reliable.

Trusting is a decision you must make knowing that there aren't any guarantees.

When you decide to trust someone it means that you believe in that person's integrity. Trusting is knowing that ultimately this person's intentions are good. And it also means that you know that they are going to make mistakes. You have to realize that trust is not about finding the perfect, trustworthy person; it's about signing-up to work through hurt when it arises.

When people have been hurt you often hear them saying: "I will never trust again." We always need to trust again after being hurt, life is very lonely without trust. Most need a close relationship. We are after all social creatures. Although some people have been betrayed deeply and essentially in their childhood, think they can never ever trust again. But what they often do not realize is that they trust daily in little things. Like trusting that the food you ordered in the Restaurant is delivered to you.
Always ease yourself into a relationship slowly, it give you the time to witness their actions and reactions towards others and it is a perfect indicator of how someone is.

One last thing of trust!
Trust yourself that after being betrayed, you are capable to trust again. Be confident you will get over it when the other person lets you down, it will be much easier for you to learn to trust again.

Few delights can equal the presence of one whom we trust utterly


genny Clary said...

You are so right, we can never be 100% sure or safe.
Trust does come after truth and honesty and integrity. Believing in a person's integrity leads to trust. But when the actions do not follow the words, we know that that person is not trustworthy. Once we find that out, trust is gone and sometimes for a long time.
You have beautiful words, words to live by. Tis shame that some do not live by them.

MDH36B said...

GREAT read! Informative and enjoyable. Well done.


ara said...

Thank you Genny and Missy for your comments

Melinda Nyn said...

Losing trust in someone never quite heals.... However much you heal the tear there is always that 'what if...' Lurking in your mind. You just have to decide if life is worth living with ior without that person and suffering the consequences of your decision.

ara said...

Dear Melinda,

Perhaps you will not trust that particular person ever again if he or she hurt you badly. You do not need to. Perhaps You will feel hesitant. But only you decide if you want to suffer the consequences or take the consequences and live on until the deep hurt subsides.

I know I have hurt others in my life as I have been hurt. It is part of life. For some the extent of hurt will always leave them scarred, I cannot and do not want to judge that.

And I agree it is a decision.
Thank you so much for your comment I really appreciate it.