22 Nov 2015


It slips and slides
Against my skin
As Your hands fumble
Knots the rope
The music upbeat
We talk and laugh
The music changes
You continue
My breasts, my back
Every move sensual
Your vision
The rope like a corset
Around my body
I slowly float off
In my own world
But still aware
Of the rope
And Your hands
Now and then
Gently caressing
In between knots
Until I am immobile
Vulnerable and strong
You leave me
The pain starts
The rope feels rough
Raspy against my skin
You decide
To untie slowly
Me with the rope
As it slips and slides
Against my skin
What had been
In Your arms

17 Nov 2015


So I started to wonder what kind of Dominant fits me. What do I expect from a Dominant and it might sound silly but I never really gave it a good thought. So what do I seek in a Dominant?

So I do have some experience and I found out that I dislike a Dominant with a short temper. I prefer patience. I believe patience is one of the best traits a Dominant can have.

Another thing I prefer in a Dominant is that I can share my feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities, but most important that he can do that too. Being a Dominant doesn't mean that he has to be strong all the time. It would worry me greatly.

Although I want to be able to snuggle up after play knowing that he understands I need that time after being 'used' to balance myself again. I need to feel that care and love. I really need a Dominant who cuddles freely, who makes sure I am warm if I sink into subspace, who looks after.

I need a Dominant who can be sadistic, caring and who can put me in my place. Someone that can really challenge me, teasing me with mind play and at the same time that I know in the far corner of my brain that he will make sure I am safe.

In a way, although I think I am not a 'little' I love to have a Dominant who can find the good traits of a 'daddy' within him: Unconditional love and support, Primary protector, Emotional Sanctuary, Mentor and Teacher, Tantric Sexuality, Discipline and Reliability.

With all of that I prefer equality within the dynamic. I do not expect someone to be strong all the time. 

It is not only about D/s, kink, but also about getting to know each other and sharing on just other levels than kink.

And last but certainly not least; I want a Gentleman, who opens the doors and more. But of course a Gentleman with a Dark side.

So what do you expect of a Dominant?

23 Jul 2015

cut the cord

I cut the cord
ruthlessly, relentlessly
poly is okay
I felt stuck
in between

I cut the cord
hurtfully, painfully
I could've
done better
But I didn't

I cut the cord
protectively, lovingly
for myself
and others
to breathe again

I cut the cord
liberatingly, freely
to choose
another path
into the open

13 Jun 2015


het zijn niet de slagen
het is niet het zweven
het is niet de seks
het is niet de pijn
het is niet niks

wat blijft is
een kus
een woord
een glimlach

en als ik nu
heb ik

10 Jun 2015


I got stuck
frozen almost
all went wrong
How could I
To much weight
Made me down
low energy
Poly sucks
Just moving on
The sun
always shines
Just glad
it shines

3 Jun 2015

Novice Dominant Spanking Tool

So thanks to Hermione, who attended her followers on a new tool, called 'shiri' which is Japanese for butt. All novice Dominants can start spanking by having an interactive artificial butt.

Just wondering if it will also after a while have a lovely reddish to bright red color.

So what do You think… might this tool become a training device for novice Dominants workshops? I just can see them… standing in a class room with a Master, standing in front of them teaching them the how and what…

Or should they use live models…

Is my fantasy going wild?
Please let me know.

24 May 2015

room with a view

And I am to decide what the room looks like.

But there is beauty in every view I create. Every image, memory is tainted by how I see and perceive my own reality.
Even when I roam the internet, it is wonderful what I see. But also how the early morning light just came in today.
And all my memories and experiences I can use. 

And I give meaning to that reality.
In the end it is what I do with it.

And I realized this early morning
that I am so lucky to be able to be where I am.

So I am writing, an erotic novel in Dutch.
And it feels so darn good!

14 May 2015

Happy End

My mouth remembers
how you taste.
My back, the lashes
Sitting feels different
and when I walk
I am delightfully
aware of my clit.
When I smile
is because 
I remember the grin,
like the Cheshire cat
fading again and again
in space…..

6 May 2015


Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about honesty. What is honesty? And to whom are you honest? Am I honest to my self, am I fully honest to others?

These last years I found honesty. It might sound silly, shouldn't honesty be part of my daily life? Should it simply be the integrity a person should have in life. Well.. Yes it should be. The trouble was I never felt honesty wouldn't do me or others any good. So what made me decide to go out of my hiding place into the full bright light of honesty. And am I fully honest. I hear so many claim to be honest and they look at me with puppy eyes full of meaning. but are they? I am never fully sure, even thoughI claim to be honest.

Would I lie? Yes I would with no problem at all. Suppose I would l have to protect myself or others within a dangerous and unjust society. Yes I would lie.. I would lie to protect myself and others. Like during  WOII, would I be open about all and everything? No. Am I open to everyone that I like to be in a BDSM lifestyle? Hell no, I know even in the free society I live I am on my guard and will not tell all and everyone what I love to do. Simply because not all and everyone will understand.

However being married I have struggled with telling my feelings for a long time until I found the courage to tell my husband my feelings. That was my first step into honesty. We tried careful steps, but the both of us didn't work within BDSM. It happens, he is a good and wonderful man. For a long time I stayed silent towards him but of course finding out all these new feelings... arousals, it made me more and more curious and I went on exploring far more. Did I tell him all. No, I didn't!


I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I was scared to loose him, there were so many reasons I had to deal with. If I look back at it, I was scared to face the problems it might start so at first I took the easy road. Easy for me and in a sense easy for him as he had no idea. Again it felt fair at the time. And perhaps I needed also the time to find out what and how I wanted things. Was I honest? No!

We are years further and apparently I needed to tell him little by little. As I said I started by telling him of my needs. I had never been open about it at the start of my marriage. It gradually grew. I also think that trust in a marriage or in any relationships grows gradually. To open up on any vulnerability takes time and courage. It is great to show that wonderful front, that ideal figure we like to be. But when do we show that quirky part of us. That not so wonderful, not so ordinary, that weirdness and strange within us. And will it be accepted by the other.

What if we do not fit into the normality of the nuclear family, the ordinary of the 'Bourgeois'. Well I do not fit in and I can proudly say we do not fit in. I have become more and more open. It took a lot of effort and courage on both sides. 

So now I left the strict boundaries of the nuclear family I was brought up with. And I have accepted that is me. And that me is accepted by my husband. This has given me a freedom I had never ever expected. It also taught me that every relationship outside of my own dynamic at home has its own freedom, acceptance and that with each relationship I discover I have to start with building trust. It is not something that comes overnight. So my honesty grows with trust, showing my core trust is not for everyone. Am I honest? I do my utmost to be. Do I lie? Yes, I will not share with all and everyone that I do like BDSM. I will not shout it of the rooftop. But to those who matter to me, I will share it. I will share my ups and downs. Nor will I judge them for their ups and downs.

What ever road you take, what ever steps you need, respect yourself. It is like coming out of the closet. Am I out of the closet? No... I am simply a very good liar. Have I told my siblings. It is something I have been chewing on lately? How far do I go to tell those close to me of my lifestyle....and how important is it?

1 May 2015


you and me
 after a blow job
you lift my head
by my hair
and kiss me deep
your tongue, mine
our fluids mingle

going down on me
lapping me
with your tongue
tasting, teasing
sucking, licking
while I moan and grunt
until you
kiss me

15 Apr 2015

Making Mistakes is an Option

Making a mistakes is inevitable, but is it bad?

After making a mistake I can really pound on myself, as ever I am my own worst critic! I am working to change that deeply rooted attitude into a small carrot size that is easily eatable instead of my everlasting chewing. So why do I call it a deep rooted attitude. Simply because it is a shame-based attitude and I think that my mistakes, sometimes they aren't my mistakes at all, just emphasize the bad me.

So that is why I now see making mistakes is an option. Why would I call it an option? It would seem we would do it on purpose. I do not think so. Why would we repeatedly make the same mistake? Because every mistake is an opportunity to learn but to learn we have to look back and see the what and how of the mistake. We have to dare -instead of being critical of ourselves or others-  to accept we made a mistake and realize that looking at what occurred can change us for the better.

A mistake is not intentional sometimes a misunderstanding, wrong judgment or to identify someone or something incorrectly. It is the weight we give it, but it is also realizing that we judge ourselves worse than others mostly do. So where does that judgement come from. Is that harsh judging inner-voice Yours?

Actually it is a repeating of what others have told you and you have internalized it. You have internalized every negative word as your own. It could be Your mother, father, your siblings, classmates perhaps. I have now realized I do not have to take those (self) criticisms for granted. I can change them.  It is by simply giving your self some self-compassion.

So go out there, make mistakes, be yourself, listen to your own inner voice and be compassionate!

Hereby some advises of margaret wehrenberg, click her name for the whole article.

  • Identify that it is happening (and don’t yell at yourself for doing it!!)
  • Ask yourself, “Is this true?” Remember that not everything you think is true. It might be a false belief that you are wrong, or stupid or beyond help. You may suspect it is not true even though, like my client, it is a feeling you have at the moment.
  • Ask,” How does it affect me to believe this?” Typically, a negative accusatory statement does not motivate us to do better, try harder, or change for the best. It tends to deflate our mood and make us feel bad.
  • To stop the criticism, try changing it a little.
  • If you were to start the statement with ‘I’ how would it change?
  • If you modulated the criticism to be less harsh, how would that feel to you? (For example, changing “You are so stupid,” to “You forgot that.”
  • Then every time you do notice you are doing it, make that change immediately. It will help you get out of the habit of self-criticism.
  • 3 Apr 2015

    Happy Easter!

    Kinky Bunnies

    For some reason I have a developed a yearning for bunnies……

    1 Apr 2015

    For males only

    Dear Males,

    We girls do understand how hard it is… because we deal with it daily…
    But there are methods that enable you to conquer this!

    So hereby an interesting tutorial..

    how to unpack the girls

    And for those male dominants among us.. if it is too hard… order to never pack the girls…

    …or…. practice… practice and practice…


    30 Mar 2015

    yummy tummy

    When I was young I would sit on my mothers lap and just sit there and enjoy her breasts and tummy as these wonderful comfortable soft cushions. My mother had 5 children and for my father she was the most beautiful woman on earth. He would look at her and I could see the word 'yummy' all over his face.

    In my high school class I was the skinny one but there would be girls with round hips, and lovely soft bellies looking absolutely sexy and other would already have breasts I could be deeply jealous of. As women we get many body images thrown at us. Images of what we should look like. We might want a Kim Kardashian or a J-Lo. Some yearn to look like a Victoria secrets model. And if I look at plus size models, they do not look plus size to me. We judge endlessly and with a very shallow attitude. It takes a healthy attitude to accept what you look like and if you do not, look at the whole package that you are. 

    So if you have a wobbly belly, a flat tummy or a hanging one, just know it is a yummy tummy nevertheless. 

    26 Mar 2015


    The museum white walls
    clean elaborate work
    we, girls, enjoyed the visit
    on the top floor 
    a distinguished older man,
    passed by and she saw
    his shoe, the shoelace
    dragging over the floor
    we had a flirt
    a good one, welcoming one
    I kneeled to tie it up
    it is my secret pleasure
    how a shoe is laced up
    establishing tightness
    it is pure eroticism
    he had no idea
    how much pleasure that
    gave me… and us
    nor do I know how much
    pleasure we gave him
    we all walked away
    we, girls, chuffed
    like naughty little girls

    20 Mar 2015

    10 facts about female beauty

    Beauty is in your mind, self-image and self-worth

    1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.

    2. When someone tells you that you're beautiful, believe them. They aren't lying.

    3. We all wake up, looking as if we just woke up.

    4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.

    5. You should DEFINITELY have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way that others see you, you would.

    6. Don't look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.

    7. It's okay to not love every part of your body…but you should.

    8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly 
    perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.

    9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.

    10. Photoshopped pictures of women are no role-models. 

    27 Feb 2015

    Made in Heaven

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…
    Jeff Koons is a world wide well known artist. In most popular modern art musea they have work of Jeff Koons in their collection. He is what we call a well established artist and recently an object was sold for 21 million dollars at an auction. In 1989 he started off with a pornographic serie titled: 'Made in Heaven'. 

    Koons has a studio with young artists working for him, there he designs and produces his Art. He is like a designer blowing up reality and putting it right in your face. He is a modern days pop art artist as was for example Claes Oldenburg , who enlarged everyday objects into huge sculptures. I used one of his works in a post about clothespins, you can find here.  Work where the mind plays tricks with the changing of perspective of either large and small 'Gulliver's Travels', Alice in Wonderland. It also changes the perspective of ourselves feeling narcissistically large or vulnerably small.
    How we look at the world is influenced by how we have been raised. And that is also on how we view ourselves and how we want to break with it or not. Jeff Koons challenges our perspective within his perception of the beauty of banality. Because his art is truly a luxurious, precisely made, out of the box version of kitsch and inflatables.

    Made in Heaven

    The exhibitionistic exhibition 'Made in Heaven' started in a gallery in Antwerp, Belgium. But it was set off by a billboard Koons was commissioned to make for the Whitney Museum of American Art in NewYork. Koons actively sought contact with pornstar/politician Ilona Staller (Cicciolina) and used this as an inspiration to make huge billboards about his idea about media. The billboards and art of other artists were used in the 'Image World' exhibition in 1989.  The intention of the exhibition was to show how we are surrounded by imagery 24 hours, we can see and watch almost everything, almost everywhere at any time.
    If we look at it now more than 25 years after, we can indeed immediately open any imagery, everywhere at any time. We can research on how to do some knit work, repairing an engine or cooking a meal, which is great. On the other hand we can also view how to make a bomb, to the variety of kama sutra sex positions, to actually seeing someone killed and porn is all over the place and we have to protect our children from early exposure to these images.

    Self Reflection

    Koons, in his own words, chose to do "Made in Heaven' as a self reflective serie of art. Why self reflective and why should I even be confronted with it? Koons was already a star artist with a big studio when he found pornstar and politician Ilona Staller to work with him. This resulted in a marriage in 1991 In the short period the two of them were married 'Made in Heaven' came to full bloom.
    The period, although it ended sadly, was I think a sexual exploration within accepting his own sexuality. She has no shame about her body and why should she? Koons made the whole series with her: truly pornographic art. What I found intriguing and that was mostly with the statues that I could walk around it, watch every detail. But by walking around it I also became part of the intimacy, I have become the camera(wo)man that tapes the scene. But do I experience intimacy? In a museum things aren't private, so people put up their best behavior. We might put on a brave face, or a giggly face, an austere face, but I bet none would have shown an obvious aroused face. I wonder?

    Art is in the Eye of the Beholder

    Shame and sexuality are unfortunately often close friends. But here Jeff Koons went past his own shame and actually visiting the exhibition the visitor could hide behind a veil of looking at art and in a sense they could shamelessly look at porn. It was properly institutionalized. When I take the context away the art changes again in porn. However a lot of art was made to arouse, tittellate.
    For a lot of people within the BDSM world entering into the lifestyle is letting go of many of the perceptions we have on 'self'. We have to research, contemplate and let go of perceptions, ideologies and ideas we have been raised with. Accepting body, sexuality, intimacy is not something that comes overnight. Posting a picture can be liberating, celebrating or informative. But most of all it should be your choice. 
    So is it Koons narcissistic or vulnerable self depicted here or perhaps both?

    We’ll still allow nudity if the content offers a substantial public benefit, for example in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts.

    The above is simply an impossible task to judge, but I am glad google stopped and we can go on blogging as we wish.

    25 Feb 2015

    Adult content policy on Blogger

    content?… I really wonder….I am not content at all!

    Adult content policy on Blogger

    Starting March 23, 2015, you won't be able to publicly share images and video that are sexually explicit or show graphic nudity on Blogger.
    Note: We’ll still allow nudity if the content offers a substantial public benefit, for example in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts.

    Changes you’ll see to your existing blogs

    If your existing blog doesn’t have any sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video on it, you won’t notice any changes.
    If your existing blog does have sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video, your blog will be made private after March 23, 2015. No content will be deleted, but private content can only be seen by the owner or admins of the blog and the people who the owner has shared the blog with.

    Settings you can update for existing blogs

    If your blog was created before March 23, 2015, and contains content that violates our new policy, you have a few options for changing your blog before the new policy starts:
    If you’d rather take your blog down altogether, you can export your blog as a .xml file or archive your blog's text and images using Google Takeout.

    Effect on new blogs

    For any blogs created after March 23, 2015, we may remove the blog or take other action if it includes content that is sexually explicit or shows graphic nudity as explained in our content policy.

    So, I think I mainly blog for artistic, educational, documentary context. I agree, I do not post any scientific context. But for now, I think this is a very narrow minded view on society.
    There is a lovely community of people sharing their experiences, knowledge and artistic writings here.

    This most likely will mean that I have to shut down my blogs.

    23 Feb 2015


    For years I would look in the mirror
    Did I see myself? Did I really look?
    Did I ever enjoy what I saw?
    Now that I am older, I have finally opened my eyes.

    For years I looked in the mirror.
    And saw what I thought I was, how I was.
    I never realized I was not really looking.
    Now that I am older, I opened my eyes.

    I looked in the mirror and saw myself.
    Wearing a pencil dress, showing my curves.
    I realized and enjoyed every curve.
    Trailing my hips with my hands, my waist.

    Over 50, feeling so darn attractive.
    Catching my breath as I do, tracing my curves.
    I never understood what my father saw
    looking at my Mum, now I do

    19 Feb 2015

    My first Munch

    A low-pressure, social gathering at a restaurant or pub for people into BDSM. Particularly intended for people new to the scene who might be intimidated by a play party.

    To chew or eat (something) especially in a noisy way

    So for years I have been chewing on going to a Munch or any social gathering to meet just people in general within the BDSM world. Being engaged in second life and being with a few Dominants in RL didn't make me brave at all. I found that place hidden in the darkness ever so comfortable. While I didn't have a problem meeting people within the community, my problem was much more being exposed to the outside world. What if I would be recognized? What if other people would know my distorted view?

    I visited once the Fetish Cafe in Antwerp and daring as I was I didn't want to go into the dungeon. I sat their legs tightly together and within the protection of a caring Dominant. This has been going on for years, until as I do at times I grabbed myself and decided it was time to understand and learn. To see how it is to actually go to a Munch. And of course… being me… I went on my own.

    I had no idea what to wear? Something black I decided, should I wear heels? I was rummaging through my closet and decided to go safe. Black, high heels, black tights, not to put the focus on me to much. So I drove to Amsterdam, parked the car and walked to the bar-restaurant. As I walked closer and closer I felt how my heart was pounding and how nervous I was. Thoughts racing through my mind of what I was about to expect. I really didn't know anyone present. And in al honesty, I hate to mingle, I hate small talk and even though I got better at it and learned over the years I still feel anxiety. But who doesn't? That's what I thought while I was walking. Many have done this before me, most likely with the same anxiety.

    So I took a deep breath and walked through the door not knowing what to expect. Fortunately close to the entrance was the man who organizes the Munch and I walked over to him and plainly told him who I was and that I was new and nervous. I had contacted him about a year and a half ago, but I wasn't brave enough at the time. We talked for a little bit. He was very nice and offered me a glass of wine and introduced me to the couple he was talking to. That calmed me. She was a lovely bubbly sub with her Dominant husband, both easy to be with and it made me feel welcome.
    The shy feeling stayed with me, but I know that most will think I wasn't.

    As ever afterwards I started to overthink and usually I judge myself in a negative way, being far to critical. So what can I do to overcome this? I just have to go again! So I will.

    And…they are nice.. they didn't bite, I laughed a lot!

    You can go with the flow but Jay Wiseman wrote about what to expect at a Munch which you can read here!

    14 Feb 2015

    50 shades of grey, the movie

    Last night I found myself in the movie theater with a good friend to watch the movie '50 shades of grey'. Although I had some expectation I would have a good time, most and for all because of the company I was in, I wasn't expecting I would enjoy the movie as much as I did.

    I know I have been brutally negative about the book in a few posts I made for this blog. After reading the first book I had no intention to read the other 2 books of the trilogy. However after watching the movie I will at least give the second movie a chance. Why?

    The movie starts of like the book where Anastasia Steel fills in for her roommate to conduct an interview with the young wealthy entrepreneur Christian Grey, and like Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice when she arrives at his Mansion c.q. office building, she looks up at the high rise and is impressed. Arriving at his office she is welcomed by a number of tall blond girls, dressed in grey tight fitting suits and high heels. I was expecting James Bond peeking up around the corner, gun ready to save Miss Steele from the sadistic nature of the evil '50 grades of fucked up' Mister Grey. It didn't happen, but to me and my companion's joy we could hardly stop laughing and to our astonishment, our laughter must have been contagious, a roar of laughter started to fill the theater.

    It wasn't the only time we laughed, it turns out the movie is more of a comedy for all the wrong reasons. It shows the absurdity of the book even more clearly. The dialogues already ridiculous in the book can't be made into something more substantial. The best thing is that the inner voice of Miss Steele is left out. I have to say that Dakota Johnson is playing her part and makes at a least Miss Steel into a somewhat plausible character. However Jamie Dornan is not very convincing as Mister Grey. He is an attractive man, looking like a very well trained jock with all the bits and pieces at the right place, although I haven't seen all bits and pieces. To see him as the stern austere character is a bit more problematic, he just is a nice guy.

    The scenes were artfully filmed soft-porn, the sex-scenes weren't that much different to most scenes in movies. They were ok I was happy that the end, actually meant to be the cliffhanger for part 2, made the audience roar with laughter once again. Honestly there needn't be a parody made, the movie is simply hilarious!

    3 Feb 2015


    Oh lala….. Stockings………

    Don't You love them?
    to see them 
    wear them
    feel them
    enjoy them!

    Touch the links below

    31 Jan 2015


    my tongue
    Your cock
    my saliva
    Your precum
    my mouth
    You fuck
    my throat
    You cum
    my food

    13 Jan 2015

    Dominant and/or Gentleman?

    I have a strong preference for gentlemen, can't help it. I dislike rudeness and strong language. For me the ideal Dominant is a gentleman throughout.

    A Gentleman never tells.

    A Gentleman knows that anything worth having, is worth working hard for.

    A Gentleman knows how to dance…at least a little bit.

    Every woman comes with baggage, a Gentleman helps her to unpack it.

    A Gentleman always RSVP’s.

    A Gentleman knows the difference between confidence and arrogance.

    A Gentleman is open-minded, but firm in his beliefs.

    A Gentleman is proof that chivalry is not dead.

    A Gentleman never lies to a woman, unless it is to surprise her.

    A Gentleman means what he says, and says what he means.

    For a Lady, a Gentleman will always offer his seat and open a door.

    A Gentleman never judges.

    A Gentleman is always well presented, regardless of company, situation or occasion. 

    A Gentleman has a firm handshake and always makes eye contact.

    For a Lady, a Gentleman will always offer his coat.

    A Gentleman knows how to cook a good meal.

    A Gentleman always offers to pay.

    A gentleman is respectful and considerate.

    A gentleman is always clear in what he wants.

    A gentleman knows when and how to apologize.

    So what do you think, is it important for you too?