24 May 2015

room with a view

And I am to decide what the room looks like.

But there is beauty in every view I create. Every image, memory is tainted by how I see and perceive my own reality.
Even when I roam the internet, it is wonderful what I see. But also how the early morning light just came in today.
And all my memories and experiences I can use. 

And I give meaning to that reality.
In the end it is what I do with it.

And I realized this early morning
that I am so lucky to be able to be where I am.

So I am writing, an erotic novel in Dutch.
And it feels so darn good!

14 May 2015

Happy End

My mouth remembers
how you taste.
My back, the lashes
Sitting feels different
and when I walk
I am delightfully
aware of my clit.
When I smile
is because 
I remember the grin,
like the Cheshire cat
fading again and again
in space…..

6 May 2015


Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about honesty. What is honesty? And to whom are you honest? Am I honest to my self, am I fully honest to others?

These last years I found honesty. It might sound silly, shouldn't honesty be part of my daily life? Should it simply be the integrity a person should have in life. Well.. Yes it should be. The trouble was I never felt honesty wouldn't do me or others any good. So what made me decide to go out of my hiding place into the full bright light of honesty. And am I fully honest. I hear so many claim to be honest and they look at me with puppy eyes full of meaning. but are they? I am never fully sure, even thoughI claim to be honest.

Would I lie? Yes I would with no problem at all. Suppose I would l have to protect myself or others within a dangerous and unjust society. Yes I would lie.. I would lie to protect myself and others. Like during  WOII, would I be open about all and everything? No. Am I open to everyone that I like to be in a BDSM lifestyle? Hell no, I know even in the free society I live I am on my guard and will not tell all and everyone what I love to do. Simply because not all and everyone will understand.

However being married I have struggled with telling my feelings for a long time until I found the courage to tell my husband my feelings. That was my first step into honesty. We tried careful steps, but the both of us didn't work within BDSM. It happens, he is a good and wonderful man. For a long time I stayed silent towards him but of course finding out all these new feelings... arousals, it made me more and more curious and I went on exploring far more. Did I tell him all. No, I didn't!


I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I was scared to loose him, there were so many reasons I had to deal with. If I look back at it, I was scared to face the problems it might start so at first I took the easy road. Easy for me and in a sense easy for him as he had no idea. Again it felt fair at the time. And perhaps I needed also the time to find out what and how I wanted things. Was I honest? No!

We are years further and apparently I needed to tell him little by little. As I said I started by telling him of my needs. I had never been open about it at the start of my marriage. It gradually grew. I also think that trust in a marriage or in any relationships grows gradually. To open up on any vulnerability takes time and courage. It is great to show that wonderful front, that ideal figure we like to be. But when do we show that quirky part of us. That not so wonderful, not so ordinary, that weirdness and strange within us. And will it be accepted by the other.

What if we do not fit into the normality of the nuclear family, the ordinary of the 'Bourgeois'. Well I do not fit in and I can proudly say we do not fit in. I have become more and more open. It took a lot of effort and courage on both sides. 

So now I left the strict boundaries of the nuclear family I was brought up with. And I have accepted that is me. And that me is accepted by my husband. This has given me a freedom I had never ever expected. It also taught me that every relationship outside of my own dynamic at home has its own freedom, acceptance and that with each relationship I discover I have to start with building trust. It is not something that comes overnight. So my honesty grows with trust, showing my core trust is not for everyone. Am I honest? I do my utmost to be. Do I lie? Yes, I will not share with all and everyone that I do like BDSM. I will not shout it of the rooftop. But to those who matter to me, I will share it. I will share my ups and downs. Nor will I judge them for their ups and downs.

What ever road you take, what ever steps you need, respect yourself. It is like coming out of the closet. Am I out of the closet? No... I am simply a very good liar. Have I told my siblings. It is something I have been chewing on lately? How far do I go to tell those close to me of my lifestyle....and how important is it?

1 May 2015


you and me
 after a blow job
you lift my head
by my hair
and kiss me deep
your tongue, mine
our fluids mingle

going down on me
lapping me
with your tongue
tasting, teasing
sucking, licking
while I moan and grunt
until you
kiss me