Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about honesty. What is honesty? And to whom are you honest? Am I honest to my self, am I fully honest to others?
These last years I found honesty. It might sound silly, shouldn't honesty be part of my daily life? Should it simply be the integrity a person should have in life. Well.. Yes it should be. The trouble was I never felt honesty wouldn't do me or others any good. So what made me decide to go out of my hiding place into the full bright light of honesty. And am I fully honest. I hear so many claim to be honest and they look at me with puppy eyes full of meaning. but are they? I am never fully sure, even thoughI claim to be honest.
Would I lie? Yes I would with no problem at all. Suppose I would l have to protect myself or others within a dangerous and unjust society. Yes I would lie.. I would lie to protect myself and others. Like during WOII, would I be open about all and everything? No. Am I open to everyone that I like to be in a BDSM lifestyle? Hell no, I know even in the free society I live I am on my guard and will not tell all and everyone what I love to do. Simply because not all and everyone will understand.
However being married I have struggled with telling my feelings for a long time until I found the courage to tell my husband my feelings. That was my first step into honesty. We tried careful steps, but the both of us didn't work within BDSM. It happens, he is a good and wonderful man. For a long time I stayed silent towards him but of course finding out all these new feelings... arousals, it made me more and more curious and I went on exploring far more. Did I tell him all. No, I didn't!
I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I was scared to loose him, there were so many reasons I had to deal with. If I look back at it, I was scared to face the problems it might start so at first I took the easy road. Easy for me and in a sense easy for him as he had no idea. Again it felt fair at the time. And perhaps I needed also the time to find out what and how I wanted things. Was I honest? No!
We are years further and apparently I needed to tell him little by little. As I said I started by telling him of my needs. I had never been open about it at the start of my marriage. It gradually grew. I also think that trust in a marriage or in any relationships grows gradually. To open up on any vulnerability takes time and courage. It is great to show that wonderful front, that ideal figure we like to be. But when do we show that quirky part of us. That not so wonderful, not so ordinary, that weirdness and strange within us. And will it be accepted by the other.
What if we do not fit into the normality of the nuclear family, the ordinary of the 'Bourgeois'. Well I do not fit in and I can proudly say we do not fit in. I have become more and more open. It took a lot of effort and courage on both sides.
So now I left the strict boundaries of the nuclear family I was brought up with. And I have accepted that is me. And that me is accepted by my husband. This has given me a freedom I had never ever expected. It also taught me that every relationship outside of my own dynamic at home has its own freedom, acceptance and that with each relationship I discover I have to start with building trust. It is not something that comes overnight. So my honesty grows with trust, showing my core trust is not for everyone. Am I honest? I do my utmost to be. Do I lie? Yes, I will not share with all and everyone that I do like BDSM. I will not shout it of the rooftop. But to those who matter to me, I will share it. I will share my ups and downs. Nor will I judge them for their ups and downs.
What ever road you take, what ever steps you need, respect yourself. It is like coming out of the closet. Am I out of the closet? No... I am simply a very good liar. Have I told my siblings. It is something I have been chewing on lately? How far do I go to tell those close to me of my lifestyle....and how important is it?