self help



With Meester, I slip easily into subspace, I don't need much and it can happen quickly by being with Him. Simple things can push me into subspace. Just the order to kneel for example. I can just kneel at His feet as ordered nothing else happening and I feel that lovely clouded feeling creeping up on me.





So what is subspace?

This term generally is used to describe a moderate to deep trancelike condition experienced by persons in the submissive position in a D/s relationship during interaction with the person in the Dominant position in the relationship. 
Subspace is a metaphor for the state the bottom's mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene.Sounds plausible but how does it feel? Some call it feeling floating in their mind. A cloud surrounding you and messages coming in but as if in the distant and you loose track of time and place.

I host discussions on internet (in Second Life) about various BDSM topics and one was about subspace. I want to thank the people who particpated as they helped by clarifying this at times hard to grasp subject.

What causes subspace?

The conditions of entering subspace can often be triggered by pain, which can be included in SL scening, or I think if you've experienced it, your brain will recreate it, even without pain. Some see subspace as created by pain, but there is more to it. Subspace can be created by a variety of triggers:

-A phrase or attitude indicating the D/s "roles" are now active.
-A command, activity, or ritual frequently performed in D/s play.
-Fetish related items such as bondage gear, spanking devices, etc.
-Emotional triggers such as humiliation, emasculation, depersonalization, pet names, etc.
I will continue with 4 phases of Subspace, all the phases are mentioned again below. But the last one is not osemthing I have experienced and perhaps I am not curious yet or never want to go that far. 


The first two phases of subspace

1. Topspace
 The sub reacts actually it is when all normal things occur, no play, nothing happens. A normal state of mind and body. A general day to day being. Nothing special and very ordinary.

2. Marginally down space
This fase occurs when a Dominant directs his attention to is sub. she will immediately focus on the Dominant. She will be receptive for his orders. If there is no order she will go back to Topspace, if an order or a remark does occur she will sink deeper into the next fase

How does it feel?

Some do not even recognise it as way into subspace but as a slight mental shift, when you focus on the Dominant. Or you could say that the brain becomes alert towards the Dominant.

It is seen as the second phase as the level deepens. perhaps if we look at it from a Vanilla side it is easier to understand. A sub's attention is usually drawn into submission, a vanila will just enjoy the attention. Some girl feel it like a rush or a woosh. Other describe it as more misty feeling. As if the world changes and the world around them matters less. They leave the 'ordinary' world and enter the world of submission. You enter into a bubble with the Dominant and nothing else matters.

The focus or the mode of the mind shifts in a different direction. If the sub at this point hears on order or a remark she will sink deeper into the next phase. You could also in a sense say the higher the protocol the submissive is in the deeper she sinks. As protocol asks for more attention and more focus.
In Rl this fase can also be just a look or the way the dominant stands, sometimes the tone of voice is enough or a word. In SL it is different. 

How does a Dominant in the virtual world grab, so to speak, a submissive? 

A dominant can emote like: ...'D. turns suddenly, glares down at ara superciliously and raises one eyebrow.'...

The third phase

3. Spritespace
This is the slightly disobedient phase. It will not always happen but it can happen. The sub will 'challenge the focus of the Dominant.

When you meet in RL a first time it might not be there immediately. Because nerves, getting to trust eachother comes in between. Like having sex for the first time you need ot  get to know eachother and it is necessary to have that trust to let go. When she lets go it is like the wax for the Dom to mould.
Let me be clear this on, there are subs subs that slip easy into this mode.
But there are sub who will become slightly disobedient, as if to test the Dom is truly focused. This is called spritespace.
A girl can also tease, be a little bit out of order or slightly naughty. You could see it as a test is the Dom actually focused. it is not out of disobedience but is like testing the Dom and the same time the sub feels the physicial effect. The Dom will pull the leash so to speak and there she goes. It is no topping form the bottom it is more like to see for the Dom to see if she is in it... or for the sub to see if he is int. If the sub feels dominated by his actions or his voice or his eyes. She feels like letting go. Her body will go in a state of arousal.
So some will pull their leash or say a slightly bratty remark to see if the focus of the Dom is there. Others will simply slip further into subspace.

What is the difference between subspace and arousal?

When a man or woman will caress me and eventually plays with my breasts and nipples... a good kiss will help as well. I will get aroused, but I wil not go into subspace. However when I slip in subspace I will be aroused as well. Subspace and arousal go together.
I will give an example. The trouble with subspace is that you do not need to use sexually to arouse a sub.
...'Trying to find a state of subspace without arousal is almost impossible. A through and through submissive will likely put herself into subspace while masturbating. A sub that is performing an unpleasant chore with negative thoughts about it may simply picture the Dominants order or remember the potential consequences before she falls into a basic level of subspace and resigns herself to the task at hand (pleasing him/avoiding punishment begins to outweigh the unpleasantness of the chore). Arousal accompanies this realization'...
So the triggers are differently. In short: You can be aroused without subspace, but you cannot be in subspace without being aroused
Also once in subspace that physical arousal becomes secondary, the mental and physical sensations of flying and floating are much stronger than what is happening to me physically.

The fourth phase

4. blonde space
A submissive become intelectually slow as trouble answering. Or will say after a Question: I am sorry master I don't know'. She cannot htink properly and cannot make decisions in this fase, nor can she use her safeword! I see it as the wax that can be moulded into anything the Dom wants.
All these phases can be reached in online contact. It can go further than that but I am not advising that with no one present in RL. The sub becomes dissociated from herself.
In Sl You can recognise it as getting bad at typing, slow answers or no answers. At his point she is totally dependant on the wisdom and the actions of the Dominant

So what can he do?

A sub in this level is very vulnerable and if left suddenly will become very insecure.  So we can do a few things:

!! Never leave a submissive alone in subspace without warning or for extended periods, and never abruptly end a scene in which you know the submissive is in subspace – however marginal – without taking time to help them recover to top space. This doesn’t have to be complicated: showing care through words, emotes and even the use of simple cuddle props, can help the submissive recover and give them visual cues to your care and love for them.

!! Never impose responsibility on the submissive for any aspect of the play or for their descent into subspace. If you want interaction, keep the play to marginal space or sammy space. Go too deep into blonde space and the play can become too one-side as the submissive has moved to a state of mind where the ability to clearly communicate is lost.

!! Always leave time for recovery after a scene, even if you believe the submissive has barely dipped into subspace. The experience for the submissive doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, mind-blowing or any other hyperbole in order for it to have an impact – and nothing builds trust and commitment more than a sincere demonstration of love and support when helping a submissive return to top space.

What does one do if that happens. for example, the sub is in subspace, and a true RL interruption occurs and the dominant has to leave SL?

She has to have a selfhelp kit so to speak. I always strongly advise to be aware that a situation can occur.
So a sub can do selfhelp; she needs a kit with chocolat, energy drink, mineral water.
Eat and drink, not necessarily all at once but she needs some. Sleep or a rest can help, as the energy levels are really low. She can refresh herself.
And importantly, always after this happened talk it over, when you see eachother again if you haven't been able to finish it. But the best way is ofcourse to be able to stay.

If a girl has been ordered to administer pain, than she usually has more chemical in her body. During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins.
These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense.
Since the increase of hormones and chemicals produces a sort of trance-like state, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. It takes time to loose that high level of chemicals.

One last thing about subspace, I myself experienced while driving in the car. It is a trigger that brings back a sub in a deeper subspace. And it sets you off so to speak, a memory
or seeing a whip.  It is a funny experience, and the submissive has to be aware of it.
I had to stop driving... to get myself focused again.
It are usually the same triggers that sets us of in subspace any how.
Subspace triggers vary greatly as well:
-A phrase or attitude indicating the D/s "roles" are now active.
-A command, activity, or ritual frequently performed in D/s play.
-Fetish related items such as bondage gear, spanking devices, etc.
-Emotional triggers such as humiliation, emasculation, depersonalization, pet names, etc

Some advice about Second Life and subspace

IN SECONDLIFE BE AWARE OF THE SUBS REAL LIFE! MAKE SURE YOUR SUB DOES KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH AFTERCARE IF A SUDDEN LOSS OF POWER OR ANYTHING HAPPENS DON'T PUSH SOMEONE IN DEEP SUBSPACE WHEN YOU CANNOT BE ACTUALLY THERE!

CHERISH A SUB SHE IS VULNERABLE AND OPENS UP TO YOU IT IS A VERY PRECIOUS GIFT SHE IS GIVING AND AFTERCARE IS ESSENTIAL!

REMIND YOURSELF BOTH SUB AND DOMINANT THAT ACTUALLY NEED TO GET TO KNOW EACHOTHER.

BE VERY CAREFUL AND RESEARCH FIRST WELL.

DON'T START SUDDENLY PUSHING YOUR SUB INTO DEEP SUBSPACE IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THE TIME.

BE CAREFULL WITH ACTUAL PAINPLAY (RL) AND BE AWARE THAT HUMILIATION IS A STRONG TRIGGER IN SL AND IS FULLY EXPERIENCED BY THE SUB BEHIND THE COMPUTER

IF POSSIBLE USE EITHER CAMERA AND/OR VOICE TO CHECK UPON YOUR SUB WHEN SHE GOES DOWN INTO SPACE

All the levels of subspace

1.
TOP SPACE: I will start by regarding top space or normal space. This is operational ground zero. The submissive in top space often appears quite aggressive, assertive and dominant. They will be hustling their children off to school, dominating their Dominant mate by organizing him/her off to work, cleaning and straightening the house, sending themselves off to work or to take care of business. They are the Commander of the ship, the General of the Army. Hustle, hustle, hustle. This is a submissives TOP SPACE.

2.
MARGINALLY DOWN SPACE: This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing further occurs she will most likely re-top. Or, go back to full functional top space. If the Dominant mentally presses...she will generally descend further into space.

3.
SPRITE SPACE: Some submissives will squirm and utterly deny that this space exists. They will swear to you that they don't have it, it doesn't exist and they would never perpetrate mischief. Hmmm. Essentially just under or into down space there is a space where the submissive will TEST the Dominants attention, desire and will to control her. She may unclip cuffs; slide out of assigned position - all in total innocence. She didn't hear that command, the blindfold muffled her ears...etc. Note: If she notes that the Dominant doesn't catch her action she will feel he isn't paying her attention, therefore doesn't love her (mind of women at work).

BE AWARE THE NEXT PHASES ARE ONLY FOR SKILLED MASTERS AND WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY WITH YOU.
(most in SL play will not reach this level, unless they have made a connection with RL orders and actions)

4.
BLONDE SPACE: Now, as the submissive descends into space her IQ tends to diminish in a progressive fashion. Many submissives will tell you that their UP person is off to the side watching everything. They will feel themselves getting slower mentally. I call this blonde space In blonde space the submissive has trouble with rational thought. If you ask her if something is uncomfortable she is likely to say "I dunno". The truth is - she doesn't know. At this point she is not capable of distinguishing danger to herself, she cannot and will not utilize ANY safeword - it become incomprehensible to her. In her mind, she has YOU the Dominant, she loves and trusts you, and you won't let anything happen to her.

(do not let your sub go into this phase while playing in SL it is very harmful and dangerous!)

5.
SUB-VOCAL or PRIMAL SPACE: Sometimes the Dominant and the submissive penetrate what I call the sub-vocal barrier. The submissive in this space loses her submissive nature. If you intend to take her there have her well tied. As she drops through into this deep space she can and will get feral. Her voice becoming primal grunts and sounds, her eyes may alter, she will he hypersensitive to sound, light, movement. She will be FAST and very dangerous. She can and will claw you, bite you or toss you into a wall if you are a small man. In a sense she is tapping into ancient primal body language. She becomes a predator barely submitting. If she senses ANY weakness in your control she WILL attempt to take you out. She cannot EVER utilize safe words here. She cannot remember how to articulate human speech.

HOW TO! ( be aware, it is advise for Real life but please take notice. But most is useful for Secondlife too))

These are the basic levels of sub-space. Prior to beginning an exploration of sub-space the Dominant and submissive should have intensive conversations about what she may expect and how she may feel. Establish a safeword. The Dominant should set up a sequence of escape words. This should be a simple question that would NEVER occur in common life. Something such as "What color is your left big toe?" Her auto-UP UP UP response might be "My left big toe is orange!" Essentially this question asked at ANY time is her command to FAST UP or come to TOP SPACE NOW!!! This escape question should be practiced multiple times until it becomes automatic.

I included the for a very important reason...submissives in DOWN space seldom laugh. Their ability to laugh and giggle seems to diminish as their focus intensifies on their Dominant in space. By requiring the as well, the Dominant is assured that the submissive has returned to TOP SPACE.

Note: this command should only be used in a problem situation. For regular activities in sub-space the submissive needs and desires to be 'caught' by the Dominant gently and allowed to return to TOP SPACE in a normal way...this can take hours of afterplay cuddling.

Some basic information: NEVER EVER leave your submissive ALONE in space unless you wish to risk severe potential problems... YOU are her sole connection to reality. If you leave her alone she is likely to be terrified. She will return to TOP SPACE at some point and may NEVER forgive you for leaving her.

ALWAYS keep your commands simple and direct. In space she will obey but comprehension is limited. NEVER impose responsibility on her for ANY aspect of the play. If you want interaction stay in Marginal Space or Sprite Space (sometimes known as Sammy Space). In any other DOWN space she will not communicate well verbally. She may be unable to articulate your name at all.

TALK to her in a re-assuring fashion if penetration of sub-space is new - she may be frightened. The further into space she goes the higher the chems pump into her blood stream and generally the more intensive the play can become. For a first timer, you need to tell her that sub-space exists, what it is and how it may feel to her. She will desire to please you and OPEN to seek this space. She must FEEL that YOU know what you are doing even if YOU do not. SHE must be convinced that she is utterly safe with you. Penetration of the different levels will vary for many reasons.

Some people can only go so far. They have inhibitors. Often the penetration may occur over many months as the level of trust increases and the submissive relaxes into new experiences. You should NOT expect full flight from the beginning.




How to spot a non Dominant

Recently I read the following post on the blogpost of  *_sub_girl*.  She has a wonderful mind and a good sense and I like to read her blogs. As from now on I will have a page called self help on my blog. Unfortunately we need it, but always turn to friends or a person with experience that does not have the intention to Dominate you when you have fallen in the hands of a bad dom, or as we would say in Holland: 'een dommerd'.






fraud
a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities

dominant 
ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence

My experience in the world of bdsm has lead me to believe that the vast majority of men that identify as dominant, are frauds.  Most of the time they are sad, lonely, socially unskilled creatures that hide behind a mask of false dominance and prey upon unsuspecting women interested in exploring their kinky side.  Often they are uneducated, underemployed, unattractive, and uninteresting.  If there is one thing they all claim to have in common it is a claim to a high degree of intelligence.  I call bullshit.

Having encountered many of these men in my own journey, I have decided to compile a list of red flags (with some help from my friends) that may prove helpful to those new to the scene.

He should offer personal information before you ask for it.  A refusal to do so is a HUGE red flag.  And telling you he's "a private person" is bullshit.

Trust your gut.  Bound and naked in a hotel room is the wrong time to discover the difference between a true Dominant and a predator.

His toy bag contains all "homemade" toys and/or everything seems to be brand new.

He doesn't have any references or claims to have them but has trouble getting them to you.

He calls you "slut" (or another equally misogynistic names) straight off the bat, before establishing a rapport with you.  Real Dominants earn respect.

Test his ego: See if he has ever or would ever submit.  Whether he has or would is irrelevant.  It's his reaction you're looking for.

He insists on highly sexual play from the get-go, before establishing a relationship or boundaries.

He expects you to participate in dangerous play you might not be comfortable with, such as breath play, cutting, etc.

He claims that you don't need a safe word.

He doesn't take personal responsibility or admit wrongdoing. Everything is always someone else's (and soon to be her) fault.
He is young (under 35) and claims to have ten years experience.

He doesn't allow his submissive to have any limits; or he doesn't respect them after they are established. 

He claims to be in an "open relationship" but refuses to provide any verifiable information about his primary partner.

He has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community.

He expects for you to pay for and/or provide toys, meals, gas, hotel expenses, etc.

He starts of with saying he feels you are a natural submissive. 

He wants to "own" or "collar" you after a brief period of time.

His stories and/or timelines don't add up or are inconsistent.

He easily loses control of his emotions. Doms need to be in full control of themselves before they can control someone else.

Watch out for Doms who criticize the way you play, or way you think, or anything about you, really. Doms should support and offer constructive feedback.

He hides behind his D/s authority and thinks it shouldn't be questioned. The best Dominants are mentors/teachers.

You're relationship with him is beginning to cause problems in your "normal" life (with family, friends, significant other, career, etc).

He keeps on complaining about his primary partner/wife.

 If you tell him you're not interested he tells you that you're denying yourself what you really need and that you're not being true to who you are.

Don't rush.  Don't hurry.  And run screaming from anyone who tries to push you into anything you aren't ready for!!

 My sincere thanks to everyone who offered their feedback for this post. 


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